In these bleak times, we have to be positive. We have to believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel—and, no, it isn’t an oncoming train.
How do we get through the tunnel? Well, the way I’m doing it is by complaining about everything. You may say that isn’t being very positive, but I disagree. It makes me feel better, and what can be more positive than that?
So here we go again with the annual Gripe List of the Countess Louise J. Esterhazy. After all, I have a right to gripe—I have royal blood and an orchestra with my name on it, and I am a household name in Austria. But no one in the U.S. has ever heard of me, and that’s gripe No. 1. I’ve always adored being the center of attention, ever since my family spoiled their little liebchen rotten and let me sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop,” like Shirley Temple, for all our guests.
But what else do I have to complain about? Plenty! Here goes:
• Change, change, change. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to say bills, bills, bills—trillions of them?
• Why don’t all those bankers and auto company bosses be put to work as tellers or assembly line workers? Or, if they don’t like that idea, be sent to the farm in a horse and buggy, rather than by private jet, to learn about real life?
• The color red. Our new first lady loves it and so do I, but when she went to the White House to meet Laura Bush for the first time, it was too Campbell’s. Mix it up a bit.
• Speaking of Michelle Obama, American designers are desperate to dress her. Why can’t she wear foreign designers, too? Wouldn’t that be good for international relations? After all, Jacqueline Kennedy wore French ones. And besides, Hillary Clinton can defend the U.S. angle in her Oscar de la Renta pantsuits.
• Speaking of Hillary, aren’t we all tired of Bill? Wouldn’t it be interesting if our secretary of state designate had a real soft spot for our new president? Oh, I’d love that. Like a true gentleman, President-elect Barack Obama put his arm around Hillary when they left the room after he appointed her. A little tenderness goes a long way these days.
• The presidential strut. Is it a requirement of the office? Now Obama appears to be walking exactly like President Bush—like a puffed-up rooster. Just relax.
• Brian Williams of NBC. Can he please stop complimenting, in his gentlemanly way, every correspondent after they complete their reports by saying, “As always, thanks”? To me, he’s become Brian “As Always” Williams.
