Fixation on making eyelashes appear thick and erect at all times. Symptoms: Addiction to prescription Latisse or other eyelash “conditioners”; frequent reapplication of mascara. Often diagnosed in tandem with Red Carpet Face—a perma-squint resulting from lids being weighed down with copious amounts of lash.
Compulsive disorder in which victims exfoliate and chemically plane face—using scrubs, organic fruit extracts, trichloroacetic acid, or vibrating diamond-encrusted sanding wands—until skin resembles a slice of seared bluefin tuna. Symptom: Dating dermatologists—or at least friending them on Facebook.
Craving for teeth to appear the color of blackboard chalk. Symptoms: Sleeping with hydrogen peroxide–filled mouth guard; limiting oral intake to pale foods and white wine; recurring dreams involving Clorox.
Mania to bleach or highlight hair to appear Nordic blonde no matter one’s ethnic origins. Symptoms: Hair with color and consistency of straw. Sufferers often seen in proximity of rich men, hot tubs, and reality-TV shows.
Obsessive need for frequent injections of botulinum toxin into one’s face in an attempt to be as smooth and wrinkle-free as a fiberglass statue. Symptom: Confusing actual skin with that depicted in magazines.
Also known as J. Lomia and Bain-de-Soleilitis: Obsessive need for skin to appear the color of a circus peanut or a can of Benjamin Moore’s Burnt Cinnamon. Symptom: Thinking Snooki looks “just fine.”
Desperation for Samson-like hair, no matter how expensive or time consuming. Symptoms: Miraculous overnight “growth”; violent reaction to “hair” being stroked, caressed, patted, or pulled.