This post contains spoilers for Game of Thrones Season 7, episode 7.
What a doozy of an episode of Game of Thrones that was. It started with the world’s longest conference call about zombies and ended with the king of the zombies destroying the great wall with blue fire from an undead dragon. There was a lot of ground covered in between as well, including plenty of talk about male genitals. Maybe Bronn was right all along—it is “all about cocks.”
Let’s take a look at this finale episode’s winners and losers.
The Night King: We knew that getting a dragon to bring back from the dead at the end of the last episode was going to be a big deal, but no one thought it would be this big of a deal. With a few swipes of the Wall, a big corner of it went tumbling into the sea and the army of the dead officially entered the North. But just what was that dragon spewing anyway? Was it fire? Maybe because it did melt the wall, but then why was it blue? Was it just magic? Did the Night King just turn that dragon into a giant aerosol bottle of Axe Body Spray? Who knows, but the Great War is officially on.
Incest: Thanks to Bran Stark, that guy your college roommate told you about who took LSD once in their high school and thought that he was a glass of orange juice and was afraid everyone was going to drink him, we now know that Jon Snow is officially the son of Rhaegar Targaryne and Lyanna Stark. With an assist from a conveniently timed Samwell Tarley arriving at Winterfell, we also know that Jon’s parents were married when he was conceived so he is not, in fact a bastard. Congrats to the Bloodhound Gang for solving this mystery.
As the music swelled and we learned that Jon is the true heir of the Iron Throne, there was a little bit of a wrinkle: no one bothered to tell him about this before he got naked with his aunt and Jon Snow showed her the one thing that he really does know. Oopsie!
Lovers of the Male Form: Did you see Jon Snow’s naked ass?
Sisterhood: For the entire season I had a sneaky feeling that Sansa Stark was going to do something stupid, most likely at Littlefinger’s behest, and end up getting killed for it. It looked like it was headed that way when he convinced Sansa that she needed to kill Arya. However, when she called for her younger sister, the pair then accused Lord Baelish of murder and treason and gave him a quick and speedy trial for starting the whole war between the Starks and the Lannisters in the first place. Arya then did the deed and slit his throat. The two later stood on the ramparts in the snow and admired each other’s strength. Between Sansa’s cunning and Arya’s strength, this is a pair of Wonder Twins whose power has just started to activate.
Ned Stark: Finally Theon Greyjoy did the right thing and stood up for his sister and beat the hell out of a man who opposed him. (Seriously, Theon winning a fight because he literally has no balls is one of the most genius things to ever happen on this show.) But he found his strength because Jon Snow told him that he is both a Greyjoy and a Stark. Between Theon standing up for his sister, Jon refusing to lie, and Arya and Sansa (Sansya? Arysa?) showing Littlefinger justice, the goodness that Ned Stark instilled in all of his children was the night’s ultimate victor.
The Snow: Winter finally reached King’s Landing (which would explain why Jon Snow was dressed in a mountain of fur like he’s Joan Collins during a week in Vail) and we got to see some of the finest shots of the whole series, of the capital covered over in gloom. Hats off to the DP.
The Pack: During the penultimate scene the Super Scary Stark Sisters talk about their father and they remember that he said that the pack will survive and the lone wolf dies. Jamie Lannister leaves behind his sister, who has become a lone wolf at this point with no on else to back her, to join the Great War in the North. He will be the one that survives, like the Starks, Dany, and everyone else who has been enlisted in the war effort.
The Wall: We all knew that it had to come down at some point, but no one had “felled by a zombie ice dragon” in their office pool, now did they? My only question is if Tormund and Beric Dondarrion made it far enough away that when it toppled they escaped death. I guess all of the Tormund and Brienne shippers will have to wait for the final season to find out.
Cersei Lannister: It’s strange to try to reason why she would tell Dany and Jon Snow that she was going to send her armies to fight alongside them when really she never had any intention of doing so. We eventually find out that she sent Euron Greyjoy to Essos to get a band of mercenaries and that she’s going to wait to see who wins the war with the dead in the North. But as Jamie pointed out, either way they’re going to lose. This is the point where Cersei went from just an evil person to one who might possibly be mentally ill as well.
Petyr Baelish: The ultimate lone wolf, he was always someone who was operating on his own and looking out for number one. That is until he underestimated one very crafty pair of sisters who had his number all along. In the end all of his words and sniveling couldn’t save him from Arya Stark’s blade, the one that he lied about trying to kill Bran all the way back in season one. It was a good try, Littlefinger, but you finally got what you deserved.
Euron Greyjoy: He seems to surely be on the losing side of history backing Cersei at this point, but now he’s also going to have Theon coming after him as well. Eh, maybe he’s going to be alright after all.
Bronn: This is another guy who backed the wrong horse, especially considering that the Night King’s minions are riding horses that are already dead. Tyrion offered to double whatever it is that his siblings offered him and he turned it down. Now that Jamie’s defected, is he going to stick around to do Cersei’s bidding? I sure hope not.
All of Us: How long is the wait before season 8? I don’t think I can make it until next July for answers!
Kit Harington auditioned for Game of Thrones with a black eye: