What industry is more cutthroat than business, more controversial than politics, harder on the mind and body than sports? Skincare, obviously. Saturday Night Live hilariously parodied the hyper-intense world of cosmetics last night when the new character Baskin Johns (Heidi Gardner) swung by Weekend Update to tell Michael Che about the benefits of Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest line of Goop products.
Oh, poor, poor Baskin. Her voice is fried to hell, as are her nerves. After Che mentions that Paltrow, Goop’s founder, might be watching the broadcast, she completely forgets everything she knows about the lotion and cream she brought with her and babbles incoherently about how they are the number-one products for luminousness, they are both number one, best supporting products, they’re tied.
She even manages to do a little whistle-blowing while behind the Update desk, explaining that the products are never tested on animals, just on the human staff, and that newlywed Paltrow is not a difficult person to work for, except that she very much is. And Goop’s mission statement? “So, Goop...so, Goop, so...Goop...this is Goop!”
Check out the full segment below. Warning: You may Goop your pants.
The news peg for this segment was Goop’s 10th birthday, last week. Ten years. That’s like 200 different kinds of nondairy milk trends ago. And, wow, what a decade it’s been. Remember when we thought it was weird to steam your vagina, so they had to distract us by telling us to put rocks in our vaginas, and then a bunch of doctors were like, “No, no no, don’t put rocks in your vaginas”? Remember being in high school and signing up classmates you didn’t like for the newsletter as petty revenge? Remember a world before Goop? Of course not. Nobody does.