ALTERNATIVE FACTS

Dear Vin Diesel, Consider For a Moment That You Are Not Dominic Toretto

An open letter to Vin Diesel to stop acting like his on-screen alter ego, Dominic Toretto, of the Fast and Furious franchise, who returns to screens today in The Fate of the Furious.


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Vin Diesel, consider for a moment that you might not really be Dominic Toretto, your character in the Fast and Furious movies.

Consider that Charlize Theron, your Fast 8 costar, may not be helplessly drawn to your hairless, ham-like physique the way that women in this never-ending franchise are contractually obligated to. Consider how she seems both exasperated and perplexed that you keep going on and on about your onscreen kiss, the one you called “the biggest moment in trailer history.” Consider first the account of the kiss that you gave USA Today: “Do I know she enjoyed it? Oh, my god, yeah. A kiss cannot lie, lips don’t lie. No, they didn’t. She owned it.” Then consider the victim’s own account on Ellen.

Consider that one is not like the other. Consider that Theron described your version of events as “insane.” Consider her very astute diagnosis: “We’re confusing fiction with reality.”

Consider that your own sense of reality may be irreversibly warped by the 100 million followers you have on VinBook, the Facebook community of devoted fans and fan art which you personally cultivate and curate. Consider that when the New York Times, in their attempt to make sense of your vast online following, calls you “America’s sweetheart,” they may be doing so in jest. Consider irony.

Consider, for a moment, Donald Trump’s delusions. Then consider how those might relate to your own.

Consider that other time you confused an unwanted advance with an invitation.

Consider this female reporter’s dismay at your unyielding commentary on her appearance. Consider her stricken terror as you suddenly leave your chair and waddle towards her like a hulking, hairless baby. Consider, too, that you are objectively corny: “When did this turn into beautiful world? When did this turn into ‘I love you?'” is something you said on camera. Consider your face after delivering those lines, your serene smugness unmolested by self-awareness, as though you are waiting for the world to thank you for being you.

Consider that your $160 million net worth might be hampering your humility.

Consider the cruelty of making a grainy video of yourself singing Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me,” an already cruel song, and then foisting it upon the internet. Consider that you might be confusing baritone with croak. Consider the plight of the human behind the camera, whom you made zoom in slowly on you, in a tank top, in your undecorated—well, what is that, your dance studio?

Consider, too, that you visited this upon us.

Consider that your arms might be a constraint on your range of movement.

Consider that when a rumor surfaces that a stipulation of your contract is that you cannot be seen to lose a fight (or a race, for that matter) in the Fast and Furious movies, we are more than ready to believe it. Consider the existence, though, of vulnerability. If you can follow, consider how a hero’s vulnerability can be very effective for dramatic structure. Also, consider acquiring an inner life not made up of self-attributed koans.

Courtesy @vindiesel

Consider the utter ludicrousness of two enormous, hairless, sleeveless actors named Diesel and The Rock feuding on the set of a movie about cars that save the world. Then consider how much more ludicrous it would be if it all turned out to be a publicity stunt.

Consider that when a Los Angeles Times reporter came to visit you, you fact-checked the story for her by FaceTiming the DJ Steve Aoki so that he could corroborate that your musical collaboration did indeed produce “a monster track.” And consider that you then turned to the assistant whose job it is to chronicle your every move on video and roared, “I’m gonna get a Grammy before I get an Oscar!”

Consider the dissonance between your place in the top 10 of Hollywood’s most bankable stars, and your standing on Hollywood’s C-list. Consider that when you pronounce that your personal life shall remain personal—”I come from the Harrison Ford, Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino code of silence,” a phrase you once said with a straight face—no tabloid put their hardiest investigative reporters on the beat.

But most of all, consider that Fast 7 made $1.5 billion worldwide, and that Fast 8 is projected to make more than $400 million in its opening weekend alone, and forget I said anything.

Charlize Theron Talks About Shaving Her Head

Charlize Theron, Dior Darling, Is All About Edgy Glamour on the Red Carpet

Charlize Theron in Givenchy at the 24th annual American Cinematheque awards in Beverly Hills, California, March 2010. Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage.

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Charlize Theron in a Balenciaga blazer with Alexander McQueen clutch and Stella McCartney heels at the launch party for Rage in Los Angeles, California, September 2011. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Alexander McQueen at W magazine’s Golden Globes party in Los Angeles, California, January 2012. Photo by Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the world premiere of Prometheus in London, England, May 2012. Photo by Stuart Wilson/Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Stella McCartney at the 5th annual Variety Power of Women party in Beverly Hills, California, October 2013. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Givenchy at the Help Haiti Home gala in Beverly Hills, California, January 2014. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the 86th annual Academy Awards in Los Angeles, California, March 2014. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the Christian Dior Fall 2014 couture presentation in Paris, France, July 2014. Photo by Foc Kan/WireImage.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the premiere of Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France, May 2015. Photo by Daniele Venturelli.

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Charlize Theron in Cushnie et Ochs at the Critics’ Choice Television Awards in Beverly Hills, California, May 2015. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the premier of Mad Max: Fury Road in Los Angeles, California, May 2015. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Valentino at a photocall for Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France, May 2015. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Givenchy at Life Ball 2015 in Vienna, Austria, May 2015. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Tom Ford in Hong Kong, China, October 2015. Photo by ChinaFotoPress/ChinaFotoPress via Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in custom Dior at the 88th Academy Awards in Los Angeles, California, February 2016. Photo by Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage.

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Charlize Theron in Altuzarra in Milan, March 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in a Stella McCartney blouse and The Reformation skirt at a photocall for The Huntsman: Winter’s War in Hamburg, Germany, March 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in a Saint Laurent blouse, Chloé skirt, and Alexandre Vauthier heels at a photocall for The Huntsman: Winter’s War in Milan, Italy, March 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the Asia premiere of The Huntsman: Winter’s War in Singapore, April 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the premiere of The Huntsman: Winter’s War in Westwood, California, April 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Givenchy at the photocall for The Last Face at the annual 69th Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, May 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior couture at the premiere of The Last Face during the 69th annual Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, May 2016. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior couture at the 89th Annual Academy Awards in Hollywood, February 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the premiere of Fast & Furious 8 in Paris, April 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Gucci at the premiere of Fast & Furious 8 in Madrid, April 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior couture at the Berlin premiere of Fast & Furious 8 in Berlin, April 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Saint Laurent at the amfAR Hong Kong Gala in Hong Kong, May 2017.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the 70th anniversary celebration during the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France, May 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Prada with Chopard jewelry at the Chopard Trophy during the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France, May 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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Charlize Theron in Dior at the cruise 2018 Dior show in Calabasas, California, May 2017. Photo by Getty Images.

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