Now that we have made it through the premiere of House of the Dragon (quite a successful one, might I add), we can officially dust the cobwebs off that section of our brain that remained dormant since May 2019, the one that craves behemoth dragons, sibling rivalries magnified by the weight of a crown, and, of course, child brides. In its second episode, Dragon picked up about six months after where the premiere left off, but it didn’t miss a beat in seamlessly filling us in. King Viserys may be the most powerful person in Westeros, but he still doesn’t know how to talk his 15-year-old daughter about his dead wife. Meanwhile, his brother Daemon, more or less exiled from Westeros, made off like a bandit, heading to his ancestral home of Dragonstone with a dragon and his mistress. And though Rhaenyra is the heir to the throne, she still can’t get any darn respect in the kingdom, so she does what any brooding teenager does, she runs away on dragonback. Unfortunately for her, when she returns, her father announces he’s taken a new wife, and no, it’s not the 12-year-old girl Rhaenyra assumed would become her new mother, it’s her best friend.
Safe to say, there weren’t many winners in Dragon this week, but as we shake off that icky feeling you get when you see a man try to pimp out his pre-teen daughter, let’s check in on where everyone stands ahead of the upcoming royal nuptials.
Look at all that flesh they’re enjoying! (I told you, it was hard to find winners this time around).
This week, House of the Dragon made Toddlers in Tiaras look anodyne. Seriously, these pageant moms have absolutely nothing on the fathers of King’s Landing, competing to pimp out their young daughters to a middle-aged man. To be clear, by making Hightower a winner, I’m not praising him for his success in giving his 15-year-old daughter away to his best friend. I am simply noting that, in the competition between him and Lord Corlys Velaryon, Hightower was the decisive champion. Now, if that’s a good thing, I’m not so sure...
Twelve years old! Twelve! And forced by her father to chat up the King with the hope of a marriage proposal. Just let the girl be 12, allowed to play with dragons and the dismembered limbs laying around the city, or whatever 12-year-olds did in medieval times.
The viewers forced to watch that poor young girl hit on the King
The image of Laena telling Viserys, “I will give you many children of pure Velaryon blood,” will haunt me until next week’s episode.
Princess Rhaenys Velaryon
Last week, I made Rhaenys a winner. She’s the Queen Who Never Was! Able to spend her days with her rich husband and her two cute kids. Now, though, Rhaenys has forced me to come to regret that decision, you know, thanks to her role in pimping out her daughter (though she told Laena she won’t have to “bed” the King until she turns 14, which is...good I guess?). Also, this woman is still clearly incredibly salty for being passed up for the throne. I get it, but it’s been a decade, maybe it’s time to move on?
Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen
While watching the episode, I kept moving Rhaenyra’s position back and forth. She’s officially the heir now, but it’s clear no one has any respect for her (a loss). Then, she had that epic entrance on the back of her dragon, swooping into Dragonstone to save the day and retrieve the stolen dragon egg from her uncle, Daemon (a win). In the end, though, it was the news that her best friend would soon become her stepmother that was a decisive blow to Rhaenyra’s standings this week, making her a loser by the time the credits rolled.
Prince Daemon Targaryen
Daemon, like his niece, had a rollercoaster of a week. While his brother struggled to keep up with his royal duties, Daemon was chilling in Dragonstone with his mistress Mysaria, an army of men protecting them from whatever may come their way, and the King willing to turn a blind eye to his antics for the moment. Unfortunately, Daemon took it a step too far by stealing a dragon’s egg, a decision that, once again, left him in poor standing with the King. And in the end, when Rhaenyra flew in to retrieve the goods, Daemon was left eggless, and possibly mistress-less as well. The only hope for him now is a possible ally-ship with Lord Corlys.
King Viserys Targaryen
Dragon might be set a thousand years ago, but these characters have some relatable problems, like the fact that Viserys just doesn’t know how to talk to his teenage daughter. The man lets six months go by following the death of his wife without saying nary a word. Of course, he hasn’t tried the approach of...simply talking to her. But hey, his inability to connect with Rhaenyra is the least of his problems right now. He also seems to be dealing with some health issues (are maggots FDA approved?), and then there’s the fact that the man struggles to make the simplest decision when it comes to ruling his kingdom (if you can even call that ruling).