Gather ye round, coven of the night, spinster sisters and witchy women, spell-casters, sorceresses, hags and hell-hounds, and cinephiles who are honestly over the Marvel Cinematic Universe. To open the 2019 Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday, host Aubrey Plaza invoked the spirit (the "Independent Spirit Awards spirit," that is) of John Waters, Alexander Payne, Robert Altman, and other iconoclastic filmmakers as she rejected the Hollywood mainstream of sequels and reboots.
Going full Suspiria, Plaza was joined for this séance of sorts by Marcia Gay Harden, Christina Ricci, Marisa Tomei, and Rosanna Arquette (who is not Mira Sorvino, contrary to some reports). Brian Tyree Henry also showed up to (correctly) identify the ritual as "fucked up white girl shit," but left before the authorities could convict him of a crime he didn't commit: killing "bastard of the Netflix algorithm" Finn Wolfhard (of Stranger Things fame), a virgin sacrifice procured for the ceremony by Sharon Stone. He's got four-quandrant appeal, and for this reason, he must die! Stone smoking a cigarette in a cave and cackling over bloody murder is honestly as good as television gets—sorry, Breaking Bad!
"We reject the Hollywood mainstream. Our future is with our sisters. Sealed in a bond with blood," Arquette intoned, summing up the general mood of the #MeToo movement without calling it out, and reminding the audience that film is actually primarily a form of art and entertainment, and not just business.
True to the spirit (the...independent...spirit awards...spirit) of the night, honorary Head Witch Glenn Close brought her dog Pip onstage with her to accept the award for her performance in The Wife, and Amanda Seyfried accepted the Best Actor award on behalf of an absent Ethan Hawke. This is how all awards should be: The only men allowed are Brian Tyree Henry and dogs. See the full cold open clip below, ideally with a candle and smudge stick in hand.