Charli XCX has taken the classic Missy Elliot lyric “Boys, boys, all types of boys” and turned it into a music video for her latest single “Boys.” The British singer-songwriter added video co-director to her resumé and assembled an A-list roster of all your favorite internet and imaginary boyfriends and made them pose like they were in a slightly artsier and edgier version of Tiger Beat magazine. Everyone from Joe Jonas to Riz Ahmed pops up. Cameron Dallas, Jay Park, and Mac DeMarco are along for the ride too. Even hipster photographer Mark “The Cobrasnake” Hunter makes an appearance.
There is truly a type of boy for everyone here, maybe even a couple. But, let’s face it, everyone has their favorite boy in “Boys,” and who your favorite boy is probably says a whole lot about you.
Here, our very flippant diagnosis of what your “Boys” boyfriend probably says about you:
You date boys 3 to 5 years older than you but still call them “Daddy.”
You date boys 10 years older than you, but think it would be weird to call them “Daddy.”
You have more than one stick’n’poke tattoo that your mother hates but has deep personal meaning for you.
You constantly date boys prettier than you are and your friends always joke about it, but you, frankly, you love it.
You’re a teen or a 52-year-old with a house on Fire Island.
Your old friends think you’re boring now because you never go out, but you’ve already got an IRL man on lock and your career is thriving. Your self care game is on point. Your skin has never looked better.
You’ve had multiple unnatural hair colors in your life. You’re embarassed about that time you overused the word “rawr.” You may or may not have been a member of the LiveJournal community “Boys Kissing.” You Google the name “William Beckett” every few months to see what he’s up to.
You remember that one night (or, ok, maybe two or three or four…) you got way too drunk on Sparks.
Mark “The Cobrasnake Hunter”
You actually do not remember all those nights you got way too drunk on Sparks.
Sage the Gemini
You take all those mean zodiac tweets about Geminis as a challenge, not a warning.
You click the like button every time your crush roasts the Democratic National Committee on Twitter. The passion he brought to that 14 tweet threat about how dumb “A Better Deal” is last week still gives you tingles.
Whenever you meet a boy your friends are already preparing with how to deal with the inevitable heartbreak.
You’ve finally admitted to yourself that you’re probably not going to marry The Scissor Sisters’ Jake Shears and are opening yourself up to other possibilities.
You’ve said, “Actually, its pronounced vet-mohn” more than once.
The Fat Jew
Your friend can not leave you alone at the club even for a minute. They’ve learned that lesson by now.
You take style cues from a Jenner.
You would never otherwise refer to someone you’re interested in as a “boy,” because you’re grown, wise and know what you want and want a partner to match.
You’ve lied to people when you say that you only watched Girls as a “hate-watch.”
You’ve won an Academy Award for best screenplay.
You are either still together with or had your heartbroken by someone you met in youth group.
You’re more aware of drama between YouTubers than you are drama in your own friend group.
You just wanna go home, smoke up and listen to Mariah right now.
Every boy you’ve ever dated puts more effort into their hair and wardrobe than you but somehow makes it look easy and effortless, and it kills you.
Your name is Debra and in 1975 you gave birth to a healthy baby boy named William and he’s still your number one boy all these years later. You are Will.I.Am’s mom.
You have very particular taste or you’re British. A lot of these boys are British and we have no idea who they are really.
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