BEAUTY

The Doctor Will See You Now

Overdosing on cosmetic enhancements? Mike Albo guides us through the latest spate of beauty-related disorders.


Illustrations: Melanie Teppich
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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(eye-AG-ra la-TEES-ee-muh)

Fixation on making eyelashes appear thick and erect at all times. Symptoms: Addiction to prescription Latisse or other eyelash “conditioners”; frequent reapplication of mascara. Often diagnosed in tandem with Red Carpet Face—a perma-squint resulting from lids being weighed down with copious amounts of lash.

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(peel-EE-me-ah)

Compulsive disorder in which victims exfoliate and chemically plane face—using scrubs, organic fruit extracts, trichloroacetic acid, or vibrating diamond-­encrusted sanding wands—until skin resembles a slice of seared bluefin tuna. Symptom: Dating dermatologists—or at least friending them on Facebook.

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(wy-ten-EYE-tiss)

Craving for teeth to appear the color of blackboard chalk. Symptoms: Sleeping with hydrogen peroxide–filled mouth guard; limiting oral intake to pale foods and white wine; recurring dreams involving Clorox.

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(blohn-DEE-mee-ah)

Mania to bleach or highlight hair to appear Nordic blonde no matter one’s ethnic origins. Symptoms: Hair with color and consistency of straw. Sufferers often seen in proximity of rich men, hot tubs, and reality-TV shows.

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(bow-TOX-ee-ah)

Obsessive need for frequent injections of botulinum toxin into one’s face in an attempt to be as smooth and wrinkle-free as a fiberglass statue. Symptom: Confusing actual skin with that depicted in magazines.

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(tan-or-EX-ee-ah)

Also known as J. Lomia and Bain-de-Soleilitis: Obsessive need for skin to appear the color of a circus peanut or a can of Benjamin Moore’s Burnt Cinnamon. Symptom: Thinking Snooki looks “just fine.”

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Illustrations: Melanie Teppich

(ex-ten-shun-EYE-tiss)

Desperation for Samson-like hair, no matter how expensive or time consuming. Symptoms: Miraculous overnight “growth”; violent reaction to “hair” being stroked, caressed, patted, or pulled.