BEAUTY OLYMPICS

Gold: Japan’s Kohei Uchimura might be remembered by most for being bumped up from fourth to bronze after a score inquiry, but his curiously lifted, forward-falling tufts confirm our curiosity of how Liza Minelli would look if she took up the pommel horse.

Silver: What fascinated us most about Russian gymnast Aliya Mustafina’s glittered hair was imagining the DIY-ness of it all. Did she squirt an entire tube of hair gel into a bowl of glitter, stir it up, then finger-comb it in in her dorm room? Moreoever, did she shampoo it out every night or was it all just one long science experiment?

Bronze: Between NASA’s Mars-landing participant Bobak Ferdowski (right) and Great Britain’s silver medal gymnast Louis Smith (left), the Mohawk has experienced a major—if confined—comeback.

Gold: Sales in liquid black eye liner had to have soared in London this past fortnight, with Russia leading the way. Best use of it goes to its synchronized swimmers, Natalia Ishchenko and Svetlana Romashina, whose eyes were lined like kindergarten drawings, rays of black shooting Baby-Jane-like from their aqua-shadowed lids.

Silver: Another proponent of the liquid liner was U.S.hurdler Georganne Moline, who heartily covered the entire perimeter of her eyes with the stuff, as well as using it to emphasize her eyebrows.

Bronze: Points to Jordyn Weiber, whose mocha-bronze eyeshadow we could actually imagine ourselves trying.

Gold: The entire US women’s swim team’s nails were as active as the gals attached to them. Every day brought a new patriotic adhesive to their talons.

Silver: Between her Game of Thrones wrapping braid and the Double C Chanel earrings, Sanya Richards Ross proves that you can be both Sporty and Spice.

Bronze: Oh, Ryan. We gave you that cool haircut when we introduced you to the world over a year ago, but, “jeah” (as Ryan likes to say instead of “yeah”), we’re pretty sure we didn’t give you that silly grill. Please tell us you brush it thoroughly every time you take it out.

Most Beautiful: Lolo Jones. Even when she cries. We smell modeling contract.

Best Smile: Thank you, Missy Franklin, for staying the normal 17-year-old high school girl you are. No perma-tats, no crazy eye makeup, no grillz. Just stick-on nail decals and a smile that shows how well adjusted and happy you are.

Most expressive sadness: As Rachel Dodes Wortman of WSJ tweeted about Aliya Mustafina, “The saddest girl in the world is on the balance beam.”

Worst concealed disappointment: Hey, McKayla. Take a tip from your team captain, Aly. Hug the winner, then save the smirk for the privacy of your dorm room.