It finally happened: Jon Snow and the mother of dragons Daenerys Targaryen finally met in the third episode of Game of Thrones‘ seventh season, and, well, they kind of hate each other. She asks him to bend his knee, she asks him to fight the cast of The Walking Dead north of the wall, and they don’t like each other whatsoever. Um, isn’t this the start of every single romantic comedy that ever happened? Let’s hope these two don’t end up together before the credits roll. There’s been enough incest on this show without Dany schtupping her nephew.
Like their tumultuous meet-cute followed by a grudging respect. this was an episode of ups and downs. There were surprising victories and sad defeats. There were favorite characters saved and same laid low. There were startling confessions and enough poison to make even that yucky green poison sticker that your mother put on the bleach roll his eyes.
Let’s take a look at this week’s winners and losers.
Cersei Lannister: For the second week in a row, Cersei Lannister, her meager allies, and her scattered army has managed several surprising defeats. Thanks to Jaime, she tricked Tyrion into taking the worthless Casterly Rock and instead captured the much more valuable The Reach, the longtime seat of the Tyrells. Thanks to Euron Greyjoy, Lord of the Fuccbois, she was able to strand the Unsullied in her childhood home to a certain death. But, best of all, at least for her, she got to torture Ellaria Sand in the dungeons of Red Keep and kill her daughter in the same way Ellaria killed Cersei’s. She has this sort of perverse joy of doing to people exactly how she feels they wronged her. Just like when she tortured Septa Unella by shouting “Shame, shame, shame,” as The Mountain tortured her to death, she perpetrated the same crime on Ellaria, making her suffer in the same way as she did, but much worse. Let’s hope she never gets her hands on Tyrion.
Euron Greyjoy: Yes, the Lord of the Fuccbois was greeted at King’s Landing like a conquering hero, presented Cersei with the gift that he promised her, and was promised her hand in marriage as soon as the war is won. He didn’t seem to keen on that idea, but he sees it as enough of a fait accompli that he didn’t mind torturing his soon-to-be Eskimo brother-in-law Jaime Lannister by asking just how she likes her roll in the hay. As a special bonus, he also kept his niece Yara alive to do with as he pleases.
Jon Snow: There is nothing in the seven kingdoms—not dragons, not reanimated fighting monsters, not flaming swords, not Arya Stark after she hasn’t eaten in a week—as strong as Ser Davos Seaworth when he goes on a tear. Whether he’s convincing the Iron Bank to lend Stannis Baratheon money, convincing Lyanna Mormont to give her troops to Jon Snow, or convincing Dany and Tyron not to just kill them on the spot for refusing to comply with their wishes, Ser Davos always gets his way. Luckily for Jon, both Ser Davos and Tyrion Lannister are on his side. That’s how the World Brooding Champion of 2017 got to mine all the Dragonglass he needs to kill the Night King. Just how he’s going to convince people to fight an enemy they don’t believe in, well, that’s a mystery he’s going to have to solve another day.
Sansa Stark: “She’s smarter than she lets on,” her former husband Tyrion said of her to her brother Jon Snow. “She’s starting to let on,” he cleverly replied. He’s not wrong. It turns out that she’s quite good at running Winterfell, at least if that means making sure that they’ll have enough food and that their breastplates have a nice coating of leather. And her brother Bran is back from the dead and has no interest in taking her place as the head of the family. That’s all good news. Though she continues throwing considerable and amusing shade at Littlefinger, it seems like he’s weaseling his way into her confidence. “Don’t fight in the north or the south. Fight every battle everywhere all the time with your mind,” he says. It’s not bad advice, but following Littlefinger anywhere will get her in trouble in the long run.
Samwell Tarley and Jorah Mormont: Thanks to the Westeros version of a really good YouTube tutorial, Sam was somehow able to cure Jorah Mormont of his greyscale and he is now able to go back to the Khalessi and join her army. Sam, however, doesn’t get a reward at all. Instead he gets to copy a bunch of rotting manuscripts so that their knowledge isn’t lost for all time. But what if Archmaester Marwyn is doing Sam a solid and letting him transcribe just the sort of magical information he’s looking for in his fight against White Walkers? What if this punishment isn’t a punishment at all?
Melisandre: She got to storm away from Dragonstone before Jon Snow or Ser Davos killed her, so that is a win all of its own. She’s headed across the Narrow Sea to Volantis, one of the slave cities on Dragon’s Bay defeated by Dany. But she says she will return once more to die in Westeros, along with Varys. What prophesy does she know that we don’t?
Missandei: Did you notice that she was glowing a bit this episode? Maybe it had something to do with the insane amount of oral pleasure that Grey Worm gave her last episode. Or maybe it’s just the reflection of the fancy new three-headed dragon pin on her lapel. Speaking of which, what is up with everyone in Dany’s court and the dark outfits they’ve adopted at Dragonstone? It’s like they’re all dressed as the villains from Superman II.
Jaime Lannister: Yes, he lead his army to victory at High Garden and he got a whole lot of sibling-on-sibling action from his sister, who was horny after torturing Ellaria Sand. That sounds like a good week, right? Wrong! First of all he had to listen to Olenna Tyrell confess that she is the one who killed Joffrey on his wedding day, which must have been torture for a parent. Secondly, Cersei’s doppleganger disguised as her assistant saw him lying in her bed after their night of love-making. We wouldn’t see that just to have it quickly dismissed. Look for their flaunting their relationship to be their eventual downfall.
Daenarys Targaryen: Listening to Tyrion Lannister when it comes to her relationship with Jon Snow seems to be working in that they both ended up with something they wanted. Well, at least she got a potential ally for “offering him nothing,” as Tyrion put it. But, man, his military plans really aren’t working out well at all. Her army of Unsullied is stranded at the worthless Casterly Rock, she’s lost both of her Southern and Western allies in Ellaria Sand and Olenna Tyrell, and she still can’t do anything with her dragons but stun visitors. She might need to get herself a new chief strategist something quick.
Olenna Tyrell: The Queen of Thorn may have been sitting peacefully in a chair when Jaime Lannister came to kill her, but she sure went out kicking. She got in a few great barbs against the Lannisters and even told Jaime just how she killed his son. That sure had to sting. She will be sorely missed. Maybe in her next life the tart-tongued matriarch will come back as a judge on the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Ellaria Sand: Yeah, Cersei really did her and her daughter Tyene dirty when she chained them up in the basement and watched them die. But, then again, this is a woman who killed Cersei’s daughter for no good reason at all. It’s not like we’re morning the passing of a saint, but anyone is better than the “disease” that is Cersei Lannister.
Theon Greyjoy: He got rescued from the sea, blue-lipped and limp-limbed, but no one in his former fleet wants anything to do with him now that this coward wouldn’t defend his sister. They were literally stepping over his body rather than helping him out.
Varys: Are there strip malls in Dragonstone, because I have never seen someone with a worse spray tan than what this usually pale advisor was sporting on the cliffs over the castle.
Brandon Stark: The new singer for My Chemical Romance is more emo than anyone could possibly imagine. Did he get too much Botox or did his face freeze north of the wall or something, because the Three Eyed Raven can’t manage anything resembling a facial expression. He may have more power than ever before, but who the hell wants to put up with this grump. He makes his older brother Jon Snow look like Hello Kitty in comparison.
Game of Thrones‘ Emilia Clarke’s Style Is More Fairytale Princess Than Mother of Dragons
Emilia Clarke arrives at the 12th Annual AFI Awards held at the Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills on January 13, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the Closing Ceremony and The Golden Nymph Awards at the Grimaldi Forum on June 10, 2011 in Monaco, Monaco.
Emilia Clarke arrives at Entertainment Weekly’s Comic-Con celebration at Float at Hard Rock Hotel San Diego on July 14, 2012 in San Diego, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the BAFTA Los Angeles TV Tea 2012 Presented By BBC America at The London Hotel on September 22, 2012 in West Hollywood, California.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on September 23, 2012 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards held at The Shrine Auditorium on January 29, 2012 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the Altuzarra fall 2013 fashion show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week at Skylight Studio on February 9, 2013 in New York City.
Emilia Clarke attends the 2013 Actors Fund Gala at the Marriott Marquis Hotel on April 29, 2013 in New York City.
Emilia Clarke attends the Costume Institute Gala for the “PUNK: Chaos to Couture” exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art on May 6, 2013 in New York City.
Emilia Clarke arrives to HBO’s “Game Of Thrones” Los Angeles Premiere at TCL Chinese Theatre on March 18, 2013 in Hollywood, California.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the “Dom Hemingway” Premiere during the 2013 Toronto International Film Festival at Princess of Wales Theatre on September 8, 2013 in Toronto, Canada.
Emilia Clarke arrives at Louis Vuitton “Series 2” The Exhibition on February 5, 2015 in Hollywood, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards held at The Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 12, 2014 in Beverly Hills, California.
Emilia Clarke attends HBO’s “Game of Thrones” Season 5 Premiere and After Party at the San Francisco Opera House on March 23, 2015 in San Francisco, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the 21st Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on January 25, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the 20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at the Shrine Auditorium on January 18, 2014 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the Chanel and Charles Finch Pre-Oscar Dinner at Madeo Restaurant on March 1, 2014 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the 2014 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Graydon Carter on March 2, 2014 in West Hollywood, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the “Game Of Thrones” Season 4 New York premiere at Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center on March 18, 2014 in New York City.
Emilia Clarke attends premiere of Paramount Pictures’ “Terminator Genisys” at Dolby Theatre on June 28, 2015 in Hollywood, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the GQ Men of the Year Awards at The Royal Opera House on September 8, 2015 in London, England.
Emilia Clarke attends the European Premiere of ‘Terminator: Genisys’ at the CineStar Sony Center on June 21, 2015 in Berlin, Germany.
Emilia Clarke attends HBO’s post 2016 Golden Globe Awards party at Circa 55 Restaurant on January 10, 2016 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the Lancome BAFTA nominees party at Kensington Palace on February 13, 2016 in London, England.
Emilia Clarke attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party Hosted By Graydon Carter at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts on February 28, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California.
Emilia Clarke attends the The 22nd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on January 30, 2016 in Los Angeles, California.
Emilia Clarke attends “Me Before You” World Premiere at AMC Loews Lincoln Square 13 theater on May 23, 2016 in New York City.
Emilia Clarke attends the European film premiere “Me Before You” at The Curzon Mayfair on May 25, 2016 in London, England.
Emilia Clarke arrives at the premiere of HBO’s ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 6 at the TCL Chinese Theatre on April 10, 2016 in Hollywood, California.
Kit Harington auditioned for Game of Thrones with a black eye: