It finally happened: Jon Snow and the mother of dragons Daenerys Targaryen finally met in the third episode of Game of Thrones' seventh season, and, well, they kind of hate each other. She asks him to bend his knee, she asks him to fight the cast of The Walking Dead north of the wall, and they don’t like each other whatsoever. Um, isn’t this the start of every single romantic comedy that ever happened? Let’s hope these two don’t end up together before the credits roll. There’s been enough incest on this show without Dany schtupping her nephew.
Like their tumultuous meet-cute followed by a grudging respect. this was an episode of ups and downs. There were surprising victories and sad defeats. There were favorite characters saved and same laid low. There were startling confessions and enough poison to make even that yucky green poison sticker that your mother put on the bleach roll his eyes.
Let’s take a look at this week’s winners and losers.
Cersei Lannister: For the second week in a row, Cersei Lannister, her meager allies, and her scattered army has managed several surprising defeats. Thanks to Jaime, she tricked Tyrion into taking the worthless Casterly Rock and instead captured the much more valuable The Reach, the longtime seat of the Tyrells. Thanks to Euron Greyjoy, Lord of the Fuccbois, she was able to strand the Unsullied in her childhood home to a certain death. But, best of all, at least for her, she got to torture Ellaria Sand in the dungeons of Red Keep and kill her daughter in the same way Ellaria killed Cersei’s. She has this sort of perverse joy of doing to people exactly how she feels they wronged her. Just like when she tortured Septa Unella by shouting “Shame, shame, shame,” as The Mountain tortured her to death, she perpetrated the same crime on Ellaria, making her suffer in the same way as she did, but much worse. Let’s hope she never gets her hands on Tyrion.
Euron Greyjoy: Yes, the Lord of the Fuccbois was greeted at King’s Landing like a conquering hero, presented Cersei with the gift that he promised her, and was promised her hand in marriage as soon as the war is won. He didn’t seem to keen on that idea, but he sees it as enough of a fait accompli that he didn’t mind torturing his soon-to-be Eskimo brother-in-law Jaime Lannister by asking just how she likes her roll in the hay. As a special bonus, he also kept his niece Yara alive to do with as he pleases.
Jon Snow: There is nothing in the seven kingdoms—not dragons, not reanimated fighting monsters, not flaming swords, not Arya Stark after she hasn’t eaten in a week—as strong as Ser Davos Seaworth when he goes on a tear. Whether he’s convincing the Iron Bank to lend Stannis Baratheon money, convincing Lyanna Mormont to give her troops to Jon Snow, or convincing Dany and Tyron not to just kill them on the spot for refusing to comply with their wishes, Ser Davos always gets his way. Luckily for Jon, both Ser Davos and Tyrion Lannister are on his side. That’s how the World Brooding Champion of 2017 got to mine all the Dragonglass he needs to kill the Night King. Just how he’s going to convince people to fight an enemy they don’t believe in, well, that’s a mystery he’s going to have to solve another day.
Sansa Stark: “She’s smarter than she lets on,” her former husband Tyrion said of her to her brother Jon Snow. “She’s starting to let on,” he cleverly replied. He’s not wrong. It turns out that she’s quite good at running Winterfell, at least if that means making sure that they’ll have enough food and that their breastplates have a nice coating of leather. And her brother Bran is back from the dead and has no interest in taking her place as the head of the family. That’s all good news. Though she continues throwing considerable and amusing shade at Littlefinger, it seems like he’s weaseling his way into her confidence. “Don’t fight in the north or the south. Fight every battle everywhere all the time with your mind,” he says. It’s not bad advice, but following Littlefinger anywhere will get her in trouble in the long run.
Samwell Tarley and Jorah Mormont: Thanks to the Westeros version of a really good YouTube tutorial, Sam was somehow able to cure Jorah Mormont of his greyscale and he is now able to go back to the Khalessi and join her army. Sam, however, doesn’t get a reward at all. Instead he gets to copy a bunch of rotting manuscripts so that their knowledge isn’t lost for all time. But what if Archmaester Marwyn is doing Sam a solid and letting him transcribe just the sort of magical information he’s looking for in his fight against White Walkers? What if this punishment isn’t a punishment at all?
Melisandre: She got to storm away from Dragonstone before Jon Snow or Ser Davos killed her, so that is a win all of its own. She’s headed across the Narrow Sea to Volantis, one of the slave cities on Dragon’s Bay defeated by Dany. But she says she will return once more to die in Westeros, along with Varys. What prophesy does she know that we don’t?
Missandei: Did you notice that she was glowing a bit this episode? Maybe it had something to do with the insane amount of oral pleasure that Grey Worm gave her last episode. Or maybe it’s just the reflection of the fancy new three-headed dragon pin on her lapel. Speaking of which, what is up with everyone in Dany’s court and the dark outfits they’ve adopted at Dragonstone? It’s like they’re all dressed as the villains from Superman II.
Jaime Lannister: Yes, he lead his army to victory at High Garden and he got a whole lot of sibling-on-sibling action from his sister, who was horny after torturing Ellaria Sand. That sounds like a good week, right? Wrong! First of all he had to listen to Olenna Tyrell confess that she is the one who killed Joffrey on his wedding day, which must have been torture for a parent. Secondly, Cersei’s doppleganger disguised as her assistant saw him lying in her bed after their night of love-making. We wouldn’t see that just to have it quickly dismissed. Look for their flaunting their relationship to be their eventual downfall.
Daenarys Targaryen: Listening to Tyrion Lannister when it comes to her relationship with Jon Snow seems to be working in that they both ended up with something they wanted. Well, at least she got a potential ally for “offering him nothing,” as Tyrion put it. But, man, his military plans really aren’t working out well at all. Her army of Unsullied is stranded at the worthless Casterly Rock, she’s lost both of her Southern and Western allies in Ellaria Sand and Olenna Tyrell, and she still can’t do anything with her dragons but stun visitors. She might need to get herself a new chief strategist something quick.
Olenna Tyrell: The Queen of Thorn may have been sitting peacefully in a chair when Jaime Lannister came to kill her, but she sure went out kicking. She got in a few great barbs against the Lannisters and even told Jaime just how she killed his son. That sure had to sting. She will be sorely missed. Maybe in her next life the tart-tongued matriarch will come back as a judge on the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Ellaria Sand: Yeah, Cersei really did her and her daughter Tyene dirty when she chained them up in the basement and watched them die. But, then again, this is a woman who killed Cersei’s daughter for no good reason at all. It’s not like we’re morning the passing of a saint, but anyone is better than the “disease” that is Cersei Lannister.
Theon Greyjoy: He got rescued from the sea, blue-lipped and limp-limbed, but no one in his former fleet wants anything to do with him now that this coward wouldn’t defend his sister. They were literally stepping over his body rather than helping him out.
Varys: Are there strip malls in Dragonstone, because I have never seen someone with a worse spray tan than what this usually pale advisor was sporting on the cliffs over the castle.
Brandon Stark: The new singer for My Chemical Romance is more emo than anyone could possibly imagine. Did he get too much Botox or did his face freeze north of the wall or something, because the Three Eyed Raven can’t manage anything resembling a facial expression. He may have more power than ever before, but who the hell wants to put up with this grump. He makes his older brother Jon Snow look like Hello Kitty in comparison.
Kit Harington auditioned for Game of Thrones with a black eye: