Considering Kate Moss once controversially joked that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," one wouldn't particularly assume she was particularly interested in things that go on in the kitchen. On Monday, however, that assumption was proven wrong, thanks to British Vogue's extravaganza of Kate-themed content for its May issue, which comes complete with three different covers of Moss. In addition to Moss's annotated guide to her slip dresses of yore, there's also a video with the unassuming title "Cooking With Kate Moss." But don't let that title deceive you: The nearly seven minutes' worth of footage that those four words tease is a veritable gold mine, even though it's simply of her cooking chicken. (Watch out, Martha Stewart.)
As usual with Moss since she's returned to deigning to speak on-camera, the video is a delightful reminder of her Croydon accent and laughter—both extremely distinctive, and among many reasons Moss knows she needs no introduction. She does not, for example, start off with a warm "I'm Kate," or by informing the viewers what she's about to cook. (That would be roast chicken and potatoes with steamed broccoli and baby heritage, aka rainbow, carrots.) Instead, Moss begins by declaring "I am going to stuff my chicken"—here, she pauses to flash a mischievous grin—"with an onion and lemon."
"Or actually," she says, realizing she made a mistake and opting to forge ahead rather than simply ask the director for another take, "first I'm going to put some salt on it." (Heads up: This moment, only 15 seconds into the video, is the only time you'll see seasoning appear to cross Moss's mind, perhaps to Oprah's chagrin.) As for what she turns her attention toward instead, that would be the small chicken carcass she's about to cook up as sustenance for herself and five other guests. Though not before putting "half a lemon and an onion"—cue another grin—"up its bum."
Gesticulating with a peeler for emphasis, Moss explains that reggae is her favorite music to cook to, hence the soundtrack, before disappearing behind a cloud of steam as she embarks on the process of making her next dish: roast potatoes. Whereas Moss ventures to add a dash of pepper to the gravy—a dish that, according to her brother, a chef, she's "good at"—prompting her to then compare it to "a witch's brew," the potatoes get rosemary, onions, garlic, a healthy pouring of olive oil, and (you guessed it!) salt.
Fun fact: Among those who've tasted her roasts, Kate adds casually, are Rita Ora and Harry Styles—a star-studded roster that five of Moss's friends are about to happily join. Well, mostly happily: "I've got one vegan guest, but he only eats potatoes anyway," Moss adds. "We might make him eat some greens."
At this point, Moss announces that she's off to go"get ready"—a phrase which, contrary to her gesture of scrunching up her (already immaculate) hair, Moss seems to define as sitting in a bathtub and staring into space, which is exactly what she does upon announcing her plans to outsource the dessert to one of her guests and skipping away. That guest, it soon turns out, also happens to be the only noble in attendance: Viscountess Emma Weymouth, who eschews an apron for a sequined take on one of Moss's famous slip dresses and finishes up the job by painstakingly spelling out "Kate" on Moss's plate in what appears to be cinnamon. (Moss, meanwhile, is busy admiring her reflection in an ultra-flattering black dress upstairs.)
The focus no longer solely on Kate, the meal, on the other hand, is pretty unnotable—at least until it comes to an end. At that point, Moss drops all pretenses and asks, in exasperation, why on earth she was tasked with filming a roast chicken tutorial in the first place: "What happened to just being able to do a cover, and not [having] to do any of this?!"