A horrible crime has taken place in Manhattan’s tony West Village neighborhood: a vandal has made off with Sarah Jessica Parker’s pumpkins. She hadn’t even carved them yet! This is an injustice on par with that time some miscreant took Carrie Bradshaw’s Manolos from a shoes-off party.
Parker took to Instagram yesterday to put out an all-points bulletin on the pumpkins. They were special pumpkins, taken all the way to New York City from the bucolic Berkshires in Massachusetts. To think–they’d come all this way, only to be ripped from their swanky west side stoop. “APB out for our beautiful pumpkins, carefully chosen and lugged all the way home from the Berkshires in Massachusetts,” Parker wrote on Instagram. “Distinguishing features- round and orange. Various sizes. Not yet carved.”
The actress posted a video of her tragically empty stoop, in which she carefully laid out the gourd drama for her followers. “At some point between the hours of 9:30 PM last night and break of dawn this morning, all of our pumpkins were stolen, as were all the other pumpkins on our block,” SJP narrated. “It is officially the Halloween heist of 2019. My husband has stated ‘decency is dead.’ But we will salvage the intended carving. We will find some last-minute pumpkins. And we will hope that this case does not remain cold.”
Matthew Broderick is right. Decency is indeed dead. We hope these thieves are rotting in a hell that smells of moldy pumpkin.
Governor Cuomo has sent droves of cops into the subway to harass people suspected of skipping fares. Perhaps he could spare a few NYPD officers to investigate SJP’s missing not-yet-jack-o-lanterns, which might actually be an effective use of their time. In the meantime, if you’re in New York, please keep an eye out for gorgeous pumpkins with Bradshaw energy.