Amy Schumer has been married for less than a month, but it seems she's already a pro at it. On Monday, almost exactly two weeks after her surprise wedding to chef Chris Fischer, the comedian called into "You Up," pal Nikki Glaser's new show on SiriusXM's Comedy Central Radio, to talk about her nuptials and her new life as a married woman. "I'm a wife as hell," she quipped. "But it's still, like, a novelty. Somebody went to sit next to [Fischer] and he's like, 'My wife is sitting here,' and then I got back and he was excited to tell me that he said that. I just have been really overusing it to a degree that's insane. Like, when it's completely uncalled for."
Schumer went on to say that although married life "feels f*cking good," it's still a little bittersweet. "This show is called 'You Up,' right? I don't ever think I'll get a text like that again," she said. "You know what I mean? And that made me really happy, but also really sad." But mostly happy: Schumer added that a perk of having such a whirlwind romance — she and Fischer were first spotted spending time together just last November — is that the excitement of new love has yet to wear off. "Part of the thing that's good about us getting married so quickly was like, we're so in love," she said. "My friends who, they waited and then he finally proposed and they get married and, you know, they've been together 10 years — these proposals, when the women act surprised, I'm always like, what? Like every girl I know, if they get proposed to, they're like, 'Oh, now? Now that I can't have kids?"
Schumer, Glaser, and Rachel Feinstein, another guest on the show and close friend of Schumer, also discussed the wedding itself, which took place in Malibu and featured heartfelt, handwritten vows from both Schumer and Fischer. "[My vows] sucked, everyone knows that," Schumer joked. "I thought mine were good. I wrote mine in, like, 20 minutes. I was crying when I wrote them, but his blew me out of the water so hard." Glaser shared her favorite part from Schumer's (hilarious) vows: "You go, 'You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me...food,'" she remembered. The I Feel Pretty star remembered her own favorite parts from her and Fischer's memorable speeches. "In my vows I go, 'But I promise I'll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won't.' And his were, like, heckling me, too. He was like, 'The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a f*cking loser.' It was all, like, awful sh*t," Schumer said. "All his stories about me that were supposed to be endearing were about me screaming at him."
It seems like the newlyweds' vows perfectly captured their life together. As Schumer admitted, "I just annoy him all day. I'll be like, 'Do you want to play a game?' and he's like, 'What?' And I'm like, 'Guess how many times I sneezed today?' And, like, that'll be the game. And then he'll be like, 'Three.' And I'll be like, 'I don't remember!' And he's like, 'I'm spending my life with this worthless monster?'"