Amy Schumer has been married for less than a month, but it seems she’s already a pro at it. On Monday, almost exactly two weeks after her surprise wedding to chef Chris Fischer, the comedian called into “You Up,” pal Nikki Glaser’s new show on SiriusXM’s Comedy Central Radio, to talk about her nuptials and her new life as a married woman. “I’m a wife as hell,” she quipped. “But it’s still, like, a novelty. Somebody went to sit next to [Fischer] and he’s like, ‘My wife is sitting here,’ and then I got back and he was excited to tell me that he said that. I just have been really overusing it to a degree that’s insane. Like, when it’s completely uncalled for.”
Schumer went on to say that although married life “feels f*cking good,” it’s still a little bittersweet. “This show is called ‘You Up,’ right? I don’t ever think I’ll get a text like that again,” she said. “You know what I mean? And that made me really happy, but also really sad.” But mostly happy: Schumer added that a perk of having such a whirlwind romance — she and Fischer were first spotted spending time together just last November — is that the excitement of new love has yet to wear off. “Part of the thing that’s good about us getting married so quickly was like, we’re so in love,” she said. “My friends who, they waited and then he finally proposed and they get married and, you know, they’ve been together 10 years — these proposals, when the women act surprised, I’m always like, what? Like every girl I know, if they get proposed to, they’re like, ‘Oh, now? Now that I can’t have kids?”
Schumer, Glaser, and Rachel Feinstein, another guest on the show and close friend of Schumer, also discussed the wedding itself, which took place in Malibu and featured heartfelt, handwritten vows from both Schumer and Fischer. “[My vows] sucked, everyone knows that,” Schumer joked. “I thought mine were good. I wrote mine in, like, 20 minutes. I was crying when I wrote them, but his blew me out of the water so hard.” Glaser shared her favorite part from Schumer’s (hilarious) vows: “You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me…food,'” she remembered. The I Feel Pretty star remembered her own favorite parts from her and Fischer’s memorable speeches. “In my vows I go, ‘But I promise I’ll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won’t.’ And his were, like, heckling me, too. He was like, ‘The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a f*cking loser.’ It was all, like, awful sh*t,” Schumer said. “All his stories about me that were supposed to be endearing were about me screaming at him.”
It seems like the newlyweds’ vows perfectly captured their life together. As Schumer admitted, “I just annoy him all day. I’ll be like, ‘Do you want to play a game?’ and he’s like, ‘What?’ And I’m like, ‘Guess how many times I sneezed today?’ And, like, that’ll be the game. And then he’ll be like, ‘Three.’ And I’ll be like, ‘I don’t remember!’ And he’s like, ‘I’m spending my life with this worthless monster?'”
The Most Photogenic, Over-the-Top, And Globe-Spanning Weddings of the Year
Hannah Bronfman and Brendan Fallis during their wedding at La Mamounia resort in Marrakech, Morocco, May 2017.
Brendan Fallis and Hannah Bronfman celebrate their first day as a married couple in the best way possible—crystal blue pool water and a bright green inflatable lime.
Tommy Hilfiger’s wife Dee Ocleppo captured the wedding of her stepdaughter Ally Hilfiger and longtime boyfriend Steve Hash, with whom she already has a daughter, Harley.
An intimate shot of Ally Hilfiger and Steve Hash before their wedding on the private island Mustique.
And for the ceremony itself—she captioned this one “OUI OUI OUI”—Courtin-Clarins opted for a straight-off-the-runway Jacquemus tunic and straw hat, quite the fashion-forward alternative to the classic white wedding dress.
Beauty scion Claire Courtin-Clarins celebrated her wedding in Mykonos, Greece, last month.
Pippa Middleton and James Matthews after their wedding at St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, England, May 2017.
Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, leads the pack of children at the ceremony in Englefield, England, May 2017.
Tracee Ellis Ross attended the wedding of her 29-year-old brother Ross Naess, June 2017.
Ross Naess married girlfriend of 11 years Kimberly Ryan, with whom he was then expecting his second child, at a camping-themed, “shoes optional” ceremony in the woods last month.
Zac Posen designed Arden Wohl’s ethereal, antique-looking wedding dress for her wedding to art star Jonah Freedman in Williamsburg, New York, June 2017.
Director Tara Subkoff was also in attendance at Arden Wohl and Jonah Freedman’s Williamsburg wedding—and she made sure to document the ceremony.
Domino Kirke poses with sisters Jemima and Lola, both actresses, at her civil ceremony wedding to Penn Badgely in Brooklyn, New York, February 2017.
Victoria Swarovski, the Austrian singer and heiress to the crystal fortune, married mogul Werner Mürz in Portopiccolo, Italy, wearing a dress designed by Dubai-based designer Michael Cinco, featuring 500,000 Swarovski crystals and a five-meter train.
Victoria Swarovski at a fitting for her Michael Cinco-designed dress for her wedding to Werner Mürz, June 2017.
Lucilla Bonaccorsi at her wedding to Filippo Richeri in Sicily, Italy, June 2017.
Actress Fiammetta Cicogna and guests at the wedding of Lucilla Bonaccorsi and Filippo Richeri in Sicily, Italy, June 2017.
Lucilla Bonaccorsi and Filippo Richeri at their wedding in Sicily, Italy, June 2017.
Lucilla Bonaccorsi and Filippo Richeri, newlyweds, ride off into the sunset after their wedding in Sicily, Italy, June 2017.
Nina Dobrev and Maude Hirst attend Julianne Hough’s wedding to Brooks Laich, the “most fun wedding I’ve ever been to,” according to Dobrev, in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho, July 2017.
Actress Maude Hirst with newlyweds Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho, July 2017.
Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich wed in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho, July 2017.
Miranda Kerr with Maria Grazia Chiuri of Christian Dior, who designed her custom couture gown for her wedding to Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel.
Model Miranda Kerr and Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel on their wedding day—Kerr in a custom Dior couture gownand Spiegel also in Dior.
Sarah Staudinger of Staud at the wedding of former DJ Cassie Coane in upstate New York, with fellow bridesmaids Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and Harley Viera-Newton, July 2017.
In another outtake from the same group portrait, Harley Viera-Newton captioned, “We all got married!!!!”
“When your wedding vision is George Harrison finding God in India,” Lily Waronker captioned her Instagram from Coane’s wedding.
Naomi Campbell in Hussein Bazaza for the wedding of Carol Sabbagha in Beirut, Lebanon, July 2017.
Naomi Campbell in Ralph & Russo at the wedding party of Carol Sabbagha in Beirut, Lebanon, July 2017.
Sophie Lasry’s wedding to Alex Swieca may have been the only one this summer to feature two Clintons, J.Lo, and a real housewife, despite its quotidian location at Cipriani Wall Street.