Madonna Has “No Life” Now, According to Madonna

In just a couple of weeks, Madonna will be hitting a major milestone and turning 60. She’ll also be even further to the year in which she promised to return to music without, um, returning to music. Neither of these major topics, though, appears to be mentioned Madonna’s upcoming Vogue Italia cover story; instead, according to People’s preview of the issue, it’s all about soccer moms—a subculture that Madonna officially joined last year, when she moved to Lisbon with the sole goal of supporting her 12-year-old son, David Banda’s burgeoning career in soccer.

In case you’re unfamiliar with her newfound lifestyle, allow Madonna to explain: “Any woman who is a soccer mom could say it kind of requires you to have no life in a way, because things change from week to week and games change from weekend to weekend—sometimes they’re in the city, sometimes they’re not, and we would never know until Thursday night whether they’re on Saturday or Sunday, if at 12:00 or later,” she told Vogue Italia. “It’s impossible to make plans, and then you feel like you’re not being fair to your other kids, or being fair to me!”

To make matters more complicated, Madonna has also been encouraging her 5-year-old twins, Estere and Stella, to get in on the game. Along with Banda and their 12-year-old sister, Mercy James, they live with Madge in Portugal, where the whole family has apparently “embraced all things, especially music, dance, soccer, and sports,” while also learning how to speak Portuguese. (Madonna’s other children, Lourdes Leon, 21, and Rocco Ritchie, 17, on the other hand, have not, having moved on from living with mom.)

From the sound of it, Madonna has forgotten about her previous promise to Anderson Cooper in December—that “2017 was soccer mom in Portugal, 2018 I’m coming back, baby, and I’m coming for you!” We can’t blame her for not wanting to give up her new Count of Monte Cristo–inspired mansion, though to be fair it sounds like she’s hasn’t entirely forgotten about her 14th LP; she’s apparently been working on it with “lots of really amazing musicians” she’s recently met in Lisbon, in between soccer practices (and Migos concerts).

In true supportive soccer-mom form, however, she insisted she’s not putting any pressure on her kids to match her productivity: “I just want them to be good human beings that treat other human beings with dignity and respect, regardless of skin color, religion, gender,” she said. (And while she may have framed it as the “icing on the cake,” she hasn’t ruled out the possibility that they’ll “happen to be the next Picasso or Cristiano Ronaldo.”)

Related: Madonna Takes in a Migos Concert in Head-to-Toe Gucci