Whatever powers there be that control the universe have chosen this week to smite the good fans of Sarah Jessica Parker. In the strange ways that they work, they have sent their message straight to the soul of every SJP super fan that they should abandon all hope of ever getting to see their beloved actress inhabit her two most beloved roles again.
It was Parker herself who had to deliver the first half of the bad news. While asked a question by an Extra correspondent on the red carpet of the New York City Ballet gala about the fate of a possible third Sex and the City movie, Parker replied, "It's over. We're not doing it."
Gossip quickly spread that there would be no further brunch discussion of whatever lame men Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda were dating at the time because of supposed demands made by Parker's Sex and the City co-star Kim Cattrall. Then, Cattrall took to Twitter to clarify that the only demand she had was that there not be another Sex and the City movie in the first place.
Which, fair enough. What exactly would we expect out of a SATC 3, anyway. It was either going to be "Mr. Big joins the Trump Cabinet" or "Hey Girls, I just got the four of us an all-expenses paid trip to whatever country's tourism board decides to sponsor the movie and give us production tax cuts!" Did we really need either?
Besides, isn't Cynthia Nixon supposed to be running for Governor of New York anyway?
Of course, years before Parker and an all-female ensemble met around a round of cosmopolitans to discuss how the men of Manhattan were sucking out their souls, she was part of another girl group that met around a cauldron to discuss how to suck the souls out of all of Salem's children: the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus.
Sure, no one was exactly expecting Parker, Bette Midler, and Kathy Najimy to ever reunite for a sequel. No one would necessarily be angry if it had ever happened, but the least anyone asked is for Hollywood to leave the Halloween camp classic as it is.
Hollywood will do no such thing.
Disney Channel announced this week that they're remaking the film as a television movie with none of the original cast involved. Apparently, they're under the impression that people loved that movie for its hard-to-remember plot and not, you know, the performances of Midler, Parker, and Najimy. Good luck to anyone who lands those roles.
Though, we suppose a Square Pegs reunion is still possible. The forces of Hollywood haven't ruled that out, but what exactly would that be? Two well-adjusted, successful women who survived their awkward teenage years and who still get together every once in a while over red wine to discuss whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that Sex and the City 3 will never happen?
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