Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W's resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m a Scorpio who ruins almost every relationship by spying on my boyfriends. I don’t mean like literally following them around, but I have been known to read their texts, emails—anything on their phone, really. I realize this makes me sound like a psycho, and I’m so glad this is anonymous. I’m just jealous and very possessive.
Is there a match for me in the zodiac? Would someone find this hot? I feel like people think of Scorpios as playing the field, but actually, we just want eternal love. And I basically want to make sure the other person wants the same.
A Crazy Scorpio
Dear Crazy Scorpio,
I already find this hot, but I'm not sure I want to be your boyfriend because it's also terrifying. This is, of course, why Scorpios are so alluring. There's a romantic abandon in all of their gestures. I also like that you confessed to your ways and then didn't ask how to change, but if anyone out there would be into them. Here’s the thing: There’s a reason why Scorpios are so drawn to each other romantically. I probably see more Scorpio/Scorpio relationships than any other same-sign pairing. Scorpios match each other's intensity, but they also amplify their sign's dangerous qualities, like being jealous and possessive. Ultimately, this flames out, though you can see why it would be intoxicating for a while.
What I would recommend for you, for different reasons, is a Taurus or an Aries. A Taurus would for sure know they were being spied on. Nothing gets past them. They’d probably sit you down for you to experience their infamous anger—and I can think of no other sign that’s more frightening when angry than a Taurus. The good news is, if they’re in love, they can get over almost anything. Their commitment to working things out is unwavering. You will, of course, have to put up with their constant battle for control in almost every aspect of the relationship. This will get tiring, so let's move on to the Aries.
On paper, an Aries/Scorpio match is really hot sex and a huge mess day-to-day. So, why am I telling you to find an Aries? Well, because I think an Aries can rival a Scorpio in their obsessive tendencies, specifically in the desire to know everything about their partner. Aries people are also over-sharers, so they'll probably willingly give up a lot of the things you're looking to find in texts and emails. And yeah, they would find it hot that you've basically quit your job to be a private detective as long as you continue to keep all attention on them. That's really how to please an Aries: Give up your life so you can find out about theirs.
But honestly—and I say this as a mystery-obsessed Sagittarius—let there be some mystique to your lovers. You don’t need to know everything, and you won’t be able to either. I mean, if we all knew everything about each other, we wouldn't sleep with anyone really.
Your equally crazy Sagittarius,
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m a triple Virgo. Two years ago, I had my heart broken by a Sagittarius I accidentally married in my head. In any case, I’m trying not to make that mistake again. But I love sex and cooking breakfast for people the morning after, so I keep starting love affairs with people who are unavailable. It's getting exhausting to take care of the Pisces and Scorpio who come to visit whenever they feel like it, not to mention the Aquarius who understands me best and takes care of me in return. My friends love the Aquarius and hate the Pisces and Scorpio. But I don’t want to give any of them up. The sex is too good.
So, my question is this: How could I get everyone to agree on a schedule? I do like the spontaneous energy they bring into my life, but it would be really nice if I could organize it so that someone is in my bed four days a week, rather than suffering feast and famine. Would making a schedule be insulting, or a buzzkill?
A Lucky Virgo (Who Still Needs Time for Laundry)
Dear Lucky Virgo,
Your question delights me to no end. I'm an Aries with a long history of Virgo best friends, so I feel like I’ve heard your question a million times before, in all kinds of iterations. But the gist has always been the same: How do I keep my own freedom and still control all situations simultaneously? It’s the Virgo question of the ages, and I love you for asking it.
The simple answer to "can I do this" is: Why not? Of course you can put all of your lovers on a schedule, and what is a truer Virgo definition of bliss than that? It seems like they all have their (ahem) strengths, so you shouldn’t have to choose if you don’t want to. To me, the easiest thing to do is talk to all of them and let them know that this is what you want out of your life right now. Tell them each how great they are, and then give them their day (I’d put the Scorpio on Mondays, but that’s just me), and if they don’t like it, then that’s that.
Astrologically speaking, I think of some of them might like this new plan better than others. I’m glad you're done with the Sagittarius because they definitely would have not been okay with you telling them exactly when they can come over. The Pisces will probably act nice about it when you tell them, but then secretly brood and think of ways to burn your underwear and all of your family heirlooms in exactly one year's time. The same goes for the Scorpio. Sure, they themselves have more pots cooking than you ever could, but they won’t like the idea of not being your no. 1. You'll probably see murderous rage pass across their face for a millisecond when you tell them, but then they'll maintain their composure and say Okay, sure, whatever. After you bring up your idea, you may never hear from them again, but in truth, for them to leave without a trace was probably going to happen one day anyway. It's the Scorpio rule to eventually abandon all of their casual lovers.
The one sign who will probably be ultimately okay with your plan is your Aquarius. Although Aquarians are deeply possessive and passionate in the throes of love, they also, as you already know, are amazing friends, and will in many ways appreciate that you're using your beautiful, rational mind to control the situation. Setting a lovers schedule is something they would like to do, but would maybe never fully be able to do, and they will probably love you more deeply after your conversation. Lucky you! Nothing is better than a solid Aquarius in your life.
You are so lucky and I wish you all the luck in the world!
Love and earth sparkles from an Aries,