FAKE LOVE

We Experienced an Entire Relationship with Drake Last Night at Art Basel Miami

We, too, can tell when love is fake.


Frazer Harrison/Getty for American Express

Is Drake the worst boyfriend ever?

It’s a question you started asking yourself on Thursday night, after the first public opening of Art Basel Miami Beach—that behemoth fair where by day you’re perusing very expensive art (or as Drake likes to say, “You got to look at paintings and shit”), and by night, you’re hopping from pop-up club to pop-up club trying to figure out where Cardi B’s surprise performance is (then you find her, at the Moschino x Jeremy Scott party at the Eden Roc).

This year, American Express is celebrating the Art Basel hedonism with the Platinum House, a pop-up club/lounge situation on a stretch of beach behind The Edition hotel, where you planned to see Drake at 9 PM last night. He shows up a little bit later than planned, but it’s fine, you know, because Miami time—everyone’s at least 45 minutes late to everything.

“I just figured since it’s Art Basel week getting shit kicked off, I’m gonna stay up here as long as you want me to stay up here,” Drake says once he arrives, promising you forever. And really, dude has so many singles, you convince yourself he must be telling the truth.

“As long as you give me the energy,” he says, “I’ll stay up here all f—ing night playing songs for you.”

We got energy, Drake! Got a lotta energy!

Lil Wayne, Paris Hilton, And Some Young Royals Touch Down At Art Basel Miami As the Party Scene Rages On

Drake celebrates Miami Art Week at the American Express Platinum House at The Miami Beach EDITION on December 7, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for American Express Platinum)

Frazer Harrison

Paris Hilton, Chris Zylka attend Galerie Gmurzynska Dinner in Honor of Jean Pigozz at Penthouse at the Faena Hotel Miami Beach, Miami Beach. Photo courtesy of PMC.

Patrick McMullan

Jeremy Scott and Cardi B attend the launch of the Moschino Gold Fresh Fragrance in Miami. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Samantha Deitch/BFA.com

Rita Ora attends attends the Prada Design District store opening at Prada Design District on December 5, 2017 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Jared Siskin/Getty Images for Prada).

Griffin Lipson/BFA.com

Anna Marie Reilly, guest, Caroline Vreeland, a guest, and Tiffany Lighty attend Prada Double Club Miami, A Carsten Holler Project at Ice Palace Film Studios on December 6. (Photo by Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images for Prada)

Alexander Tamargo

Kris Van Assche and Ricky Martin attend Dior Homme, Laffanour Galerie Downtown and The Webster host a private dinner to celebrate the launch of Black Carpet & Art Basel. Photo courtesy of BFA.

David X Prutting/BFA.com

Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie attend Perrier Jouet’s Eden Ball. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Hagop Kalaidjian/BFA.com

Scott Disick and Sofia Richie attend DuJour’s Jason Binn And WellNEST Celebrate Miami Beach’s Art Basel Kick-Off at The Confidante on December 6, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Andrew Toth/Getty Images for Dujour)

Andrew Toth

Rosario Dawson at the Surf Lodge pop-up at the W South Beach for a dinner hosted by Kith’s Ronnie Fieg, Jayma Cardoso and Daniel Arsham.

Madison McGaw/BFA.com

Jordan Barrett and Presley Gerber attend Chrome Hearts & Baccarat celebrate The Miami Design District with Jesse Jo Stark, Mary Anne Huntsman & The Miami Symphony Orchestra at Miami Design District Palm Court on December 5. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Chrome Hearts)

Dimitrios Kambouris

Dao-Yi Chow and Maxwell Osborne attend the Public School x SAKS Fifth Avenue. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Joe Schildhorn/BFA.com

Michael B. Jordan celebrates Miami Art Week at the American Express Platinum House at The Miami Beach EDITION on December 7, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Jason Kempin/Getty Images for American Express Platinum)

Jason Kempin

Carmen Carrera attends The Standard and Visionaire celebrate Steven Klein and 67 Fetish. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Carl Timpone/BFA.com

Eva Longoria attends the 8th Annual Bombay Sapphire Artisan Series Finale Party. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Sansho Scott/BFA.com

Issa Rae attends the 8th Annual Bombay Sapphire Artisan Series Finale Party. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Sansho Scott/BFA.com

Slick Woods attends the launch of the Moschino Gold Fresh Fragrance in Miami. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Samantha Deitch/BFA.com

Joan Smalls attends the launch of the Moschino Gold Fresh Fragrance in Miami. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Samantha Deitch/BFA.com

Ellie Goulding attends Perrier Jouet’s Eden Ball. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Hagop Kalaidjian/BFA.com

Erin Foster, Karolina Kurkova, and Sara Foster attended a party for goop, Craig Robins and Bumble, featuring Grey Goose cocktails inspired by both goop and Bumble, to celebrate the opening of goop GIFT Miami. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Joe Schildhorn/BFA.com

Sita Abellan attends The Standard and ACLU celebrate SPEAK UP during Art Basel Miami 2017. Photo courtesy of The Standard.

Angela Pham/BFA.com

Swizz Beatz attends the Saks Fifth Avenue and Bally cocktail party to celebrate “The Bally Collective Curated by Swizz Beatz”. Photo courtesy of World Red Eye for Saks Fifth Avenue.

Laure Hériard Dubreuil and Sander Lak attend Sies Marjan, The Webster, and RxArt celebrate Walter Robinson. Photo courtesy of BFA.

Hagop Kalaidjian/BFA.com

Devonte Hynes attends the Gucci x Artsy dinner at Faena Hotel on December 6, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Jared Siskin/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

Jared Siskin

Chloe Wise attends the Gucci x Artsy dinner at Faena Hotel on December 6, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Jared Siskin/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

Jared Siskin

Diplo attends the Gucci x Artsy dinner at Faena Hotel on December 6, 2017 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Jared Siskin/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)

Jared Siskin

Nicolas Ghesquiere attends Prada Double Club Miami, A Carsten Holler Project at Ice Palace Film Studios on December 6, 2017 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images for Prada)

Alexander Tamargo

Jillian Hervey and Lucas Goodman of Lion Babe at the Surf Lodge pop-up at the W South Beach for a dinner hosted by Kith’s Ronnie Fieg, Jayma Cardoso and Daniel Arsham.

Madison McGaw/BFA.com

Virgil Abloh on Friday DJ’ing a party for Marriott’s Storybooked, a short-form documentary series from the hotel group, at the W South Beach.

Hagop Kalaidjian/BFA.com

Mia Moretti and Woodkid attend Prada Double Club Miami, A Carsten Holler Project at Ice Palace Film Studios on December 6, 2017 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images for Prada)

Alexander Tamargo

Colby Mugrabi attends the Prada Design District store opening at Prada Design District on December 5. (Photo by Jared Siskin/Getty Images for Prada)

Jared Siskin
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So he starts running through a quick mash-up of those older songs he knows you like: “Trophies,” “Headlines,” “Started From the Bottom,” and “I’m On One”—which he tells you he wrote right here in Miami Beach, at the Setai Hotel. Drones are flying overhead, scrolling the titles on an LED screen. Then he slows it down. Starts crooning a cappella. Comes down to your level, looks you straight in the eye and tells you’re not like the others.

“I know a lotta people gotta do the corporate events and stuff,” he says. “This doesn’t feel like that corporate event.” That’s because what we have is something special. You’re FaceTiming your best friend who’s at home, and he takes your phone out of your hand and starts singing directly to her, and you visibly flip the f— out in front of an intimate crowd of a couple hundred people. He tells you he brought his dad. Then he starts doing that dad-dance that you love while singing “Hotline Bling,” and all the lights go pink and purple, because he’s still on those James Turrell vibes.

But then you start to notice he’s always asking you between every song, “Should I keep going?” Yes, Champagne Papi, please keep going! After the third or fourth time, you have to start asking yourself, is Drake just using me for validation? No, no, no, he just respects your personal space so much, he just wants to be sure that everything is consensual.

And then for the third or fourth time, he’s talking about his exes again. The fact that he was singing a J. Lo song—“If You Had My Love”—should have been the first red flag. And then there’s that one where you don’t know what her name is but you’re pretty sure it ended badly. Sure, she suddenly stopped calling him, and she’s all about glasses of champagne out on the dance floor, but you have to wonder—why he can’t just be happy for her and get over it? You start thinking about before, back when you were with Virgil—designer and DJ Virgil Abloh, who faithfully played a full set just before Drake came into your life. He was such a nice guy.

Suddenly, Drake hits you with the truth. It’s his last song. “I feel like we could go out on this note,” he says. But Drake! You said you’d stay all night, you shout. And it’s only 10:30.

And his last words tell you what you wish you’d been saying all along. “I can tell that love is fake/ I don’t trust a word you say /How you wanna clique up after your mistakes?/ Look you in the face, and it’s just not the same.”

The drones fall back to earth, and it’s off to the next party.

At Art Basel Miami, Art Enthusiasts and Party Crashers Alike Break Out Their Boldest Prints And Flashiest Colors

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Patrick Parrish gallery director Zoe Fisher with work by Chris Wolston at the Design Miami fair during Art Basel Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Tuesday, December 5th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

Street style around Art Basel in Miami Beach, Florida on Wednesday, December 6th. Photo by Simbarashe Cha for W Magazine.

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“Hotline Bling” dramatically read by 13 celebrities: