I’ve been single for most of my adult life. My parents are divorced and when I was growing up my mom would always tell me, A) Your father is a prick and B) You can’t really trust anyone but yourself. Most of my siblings are single, too. So, this isn’t surprising. I live in New York and I live a pretty selfish existence. I have a ton of friends and have a rich life, but still, I felt something was missing.
A couple of years ago, three of my closest friends all lost their dogs. The grief they were experiencing was really hard to watch but in a weird way, I thought: Man, I want to feel like that. I know, it was kind of messed up, but that’s how I felt. So I started going on Petfinder.com every night. I would curl up with a bottle of Chardonnay and look at fluffy animals like cats and dogs, too, because I love the Westminster Dog Show and it’s always on around Valentine’s Day. I thought maybe next year, on Valentine’s Day, I could spend it with an actual dog and not just the pretty ones on television.
So, about two years ago I started seeing this dog repeatedly pop up on social media through Petfinder’s sponsored posts. It was this little Pomeranian named Poppy and she was like a supermodel. She was being fostered by Toast Meets World and Muppet, two sort of celebrity internet Cavalier King Charles Spaniels and their mom, Katie Sturino, who fosters a lot of dogs. I went over there to meet Poppy after talking to Katie on the phone. She really grilled me. It was no joke! It was harder than getting a credit card, and you know, for me it’s hard to get a credit card. I’m not too responsible with money.
I met Poppy, and she climbed in my lap and started licking me and I was like: Oh s–t. My friends Jessi Klein and Amy Schumer were filming Inside Amy Schumer at the time, and I sent them a picture and was like ‘Oh my God. I just met Poppy. I think I’m going to do it.’ And then Amy tweeted it out and was like, ‘Welcome to the family Poppy!” So then I was like ‘Oh, I really have to do it now.’
So, I got her, and the first night I had her, she s–t the bed. She wasn’t really drinking water, and I couldn’t figure out what she was supposed to eat. I was like what have I done?! I had to show up to Joe’s Pub the first night I had her and I put her in the dressing room, and she was barking during the show and they had to go in and get her. So, it was a learning curve trying to figure out how to take care of something besides myself.
But we figured it out. And eventually I started to realize I had a capacity to love that I didn’t think I had. I started writing songs that were better and telling stories that were richer and being a better friend to people. And I stopped just thinking about myself. And that was a new experience.
I realized that Poppy loves big and she loves a lot of people and she showed me you can do that. Instead of just loving Chardonnay and singing, you can love something else.
I decided maybe I was ready to start dating, because the feeling of having a full heart is a good feeling and you forget about that when you’re spending a lot of time on the road alone, because you’re focused on getting to the airport and getting from place to place. Having someone to come home to was a new feeling.
About a year after I got Poppy, I started to try to apply to a dating site. I went on Raya because some of my friends were on there. But they never accepted my application; they never processed me. So I was like, ‘Okay well, maybe I’ll just stick to Poppy for now.’ You would think someone who makes a living sitting on peoples’ face would get laid more than I do. But I don’t. That’s okay because I have Poppy. She’s my Valentine. And she just broke my heart wide open and I’m so happy she did. And sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the love that she feels for me and that was the hardest thing to accept. Somebody that loves you that much.
So f–k Raya. I got Poppy.
As Told to Carson Griffith.
Bridget Everett is an actress and comic, best known for her regular act with her band The Tender Moments at Joe’s Pub in New York, and for her appearances in “Inside Amy Schumer” and “Trainwreck.” She will next be seen in the Sundance Film Festival hits “Patti Cake$” and “Fun Mom Dinner.”
Roll Over, Choupette: In Fashion, Every Day is Now National Dog Day
There’s no ignoring the somehow still ongoing saga of Lena Dunham’s former dog Lamby, but now that the mutt has reportedly found quite a comfortable new home, we can properly admire the two much younger pups, toy poodles Susan and Karen, that Dunham has lately been keeping company with. (Along with the collie Penny Parker Simmons-Dunham that her mom, the artist Laurie Simmons, has also recently welcomed to the family.)
Once simply the proud owner French bulldog Asia, and then the French bulldog Koji, Lady Gaga also recently welcomed a new pup to the so-called “Joanne family.”
Even before she had her daughter Luna, Chrissy Teigen had quite the family with John Legend, including Puddy, Pippa, and Penny, the latter of which is a three-legged rescue. Luckily, it looks like the fam’s all getting along swimmingly.
Paris Hilton ultimately wants to have 20 dogs, but at the moment she owns five—Harajuku Bitch, Diamond Baby, Princess Paris Jr., Prince, and Prince Baby Bear—who reside in a two-story replica of her own mansion, and who have not only have their own Twitter account, but an action-packed Instagram with more than 100,000 followers.
In between grams of supermodels decked out in his designs, designer Isaac Mizrahi also takes care to share snapshots of his dog Dean—a star in his own right, at least to Mizrahi, who considers him to be Ben Affleck’s doppelgänger. “Dean is a dog of a certain age and I think Mr. Affleck is a certain age and I think they are weighing in beautifully,” Mizrahi remarked this summer, standing by the newfound bachelor.
Last summer, the designer (and Lady Gaga stylist) Brandon Maxwell celebrated becoming a finalist for the LVMH prize, winning the Swarovski Prize for womenswear at the CFDA Awards, and officially counting Michelle Obama among his many celebrity fans; this summer, he celebrated the fifth birthday of his beloved pup Stella, who even made it into his Christmas photo.
As the designer Joseph Altuzarra gears up to show in Paris rather than New York this season, he’s also of course been hanging with Bean, his miniature schnauzer that he’s been known to take all the way to Staten Island for her haircuts.
Designer Rachel Antonoff is not afraid to declare her pup Lafitte, whom she found at a kill shelter in Los Angeles, as dear of a family member to her as her brother, the mega-producer Jack Antonoff. (Thanks to her involvement with the no-kill shelter Social Tees, there’s usually a good variety of other pups featured in between the fashion on her account, too.)
Drake’s “Hotline Bling” Gets Reimagined by 13 Celebrities
Drake’s “Hotline Bling” Gets Reimagined by 13 Celebrities