I've been single for most of my adult life. My parents are divorced and when I was growing up my mom would always tell me, A) Your father is a prick and B) You can't really trust anyone but yourself. Most of my siblings are single, too. So, this isn't surprising. I live in New York and I live a pretty selfish existence. I have a ton of friends and have a rich life, but still, I felt something was missing.
A couple of years ago, three of my closest friends all lost their dogs. The grief they were experiencing was really hard to watch but in a weird way, I thought: Man, I want to feel like that. I know, it was kind of messed up, but that's how I felt. So I started going on Petfinder.com every night. I would curl up with a bottle of Chardonnay and look at fluffy animals like cats and dogs, too, because I love the Westminster Dog Show and it's always on around Valentine's Day. I thought maybe next year, on Valentine's Day, I could spend it with an actual dog and not just the pretty ones on television.
So, about two years ago I started seeing this dog repeatedly pop up on social media through Petfinder's sponsored posts. It was this little Pomeranian named Poppy and she was like a supermodel. She was being fostered by Toast Meets World and Muppet, two sort of celebrity internet Cavalier King Charles Spaniels and their mom, Katie Sturino, who fosters a lot of dogs. I went over there to meet Poppy after talking to Katie on the phone. She really grilled me. It was no joke! It was harder than getting a credit card, and you know, for me it's hard to get a credit card. I'm not too responsible with money.
I met Poppy, and she climbed in my lap and started licking me and I was like: Oh s--t. My friends Jessi Klein and Amy Schumer were filming Inside Amy Schumer at the time, and I sent them a picture and was like 'Oh my God. I just met Poppy. I think I'm going to do it.' And then Amy tweeted it out and was like, 'Welcome to the family Poppy!" So then I was like 'Oh, I really have to do it now.'
So, I got her, and the first night I had her, she s--t the bed. She wasn't really drinking water, and I couldn't figure out what she was supposed to eat. I was like what have I done?! I had to show up to Joe's Pub the first night I had her and I put her in the dressing room, and she was barking during the show and they had to go in and get her. So, it was a learning curve trying to figure out how to take care of something besides myself.
But we figured it out. And eventually I started to realize I had a capacity to love that I didn't think I had. I started writing songs that were better and telling stories that were richer and being a better friend to people. And I stopped just thinking about myself. And that was a new experience.
I realized that Poppy loves big and she loves a lot of people and she showed me you can do that. Instead of just loving Chardonnay and singing, you can love something else.
I decided maybe I was ready to start dating, because the feeling of having a full heart is a good feeling and you forget about that when you're spending a lot of time on the road alone, because you're focused on getting to the airport and getting from place to place. Having someone to come home to was a new feeling.
About a year after I got Poppy, I started to try to apply to a dating site. I went on Raya because some of my friends were on there. But they never accepted my application; they never processed me. So I was like, 'Okay well, maybe I'll just stick to Poppy for now.' You would think someone who makes a living sitting on peoples' face would get laid more than I do. But I don't. That's okay because I have Poppy. She's my Valentine. And she just broke my heart wide open and I'm so happy she did. And sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the love that she feels for me and that was the hardest thing to accept. Somebody that loves you that much.
So f--k Raya. I got Poppy.
As Told to Carson Griffith.
Bridget Everett is an actress and comic, best known for her regular act with her band The Tender Moments at Joe's Pub in New York, and for her appearances in "Inside Amy Schumer" and "Trainwreck." She will next be seen in the Sundance Film Festival hits "Patti Cake$" and "Fun Mom Dinner."
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