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Ask the Astro Poets: How Do You Help Someone Who Loves to Suffer?

Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W's resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:

Dear Astro Poets,

I have befriended and dated many Capricorns in my life and they all have something in common: they love to suffer. As a hedonistic Taurus, this is something I simply don’t understand. Ignoring red flags, staying in bad situations for the "security," feeling guilty about everything, overcommitting. Most of them are straight-up sadomasochists. Is there anything I can do to convince them that they don’t necessarily "deserve" bad things? How can I cheer up these Debbie Downers through tough times? Or, a better question: how do you help someone who hates to be helped?

Love,

A Hedonistic Taurus

Dear Hedonistic Taurus,

Helping and giving advice to Capricorns? That’s a tall order. But since it’s Capricorn season I’ll try to answer your question. I’m going to be very honest and—full disclosure—tell you that Capricorns are not my most compatible friends or lovers. But that’s a Sagittarius thing. For me, there’s just not enough mystery to many of them. Which leads me to your very astute observations. Yes, they’re practical and diligent. They’ll stay in it until the end (even if it hurts), and security is one of their main goals. Though I haven’t known too many Capricorns that ignore red flags. They’re just too smart and too resourceful for that.

So why are Capricorns always living like martyrs? Well, first of all, they have a lot of pride. They are convinced nothing will kill them and that no battle is too big. Capricorns actually love a battle. Anything that will prove how resilient and tough they are is going to get their interest. Suffering is something they accept as coming with that territory. And while they can endure it, and do, they’re always reminding you of that. I can’t tell you how many Capricorns I’ve had to mute on Twitter because they’re constantly complaining, performing their suffering, while really, using it as an opportunity to boast about their accomplishments. Honestly Capricorns, this is life. Not a campaign for best actor in a horror film. Chill out.

Helping a Capricorn chill out is so hard. They are the worst at vacations. So don’t take them on one. All they’ll do is remind you of the things they have to finish when they get back, or the things they’re working on (while vacationing!). I really think we should legalize weed immediately and everywhere as a way to help Capricorns. (Or maybe they should all move to Colorado or Maine.) I say all this with love. I want them to prosper and to let me live. That’s the thing about Capricorns—not only are they their own taskmasters, but they love being taskmasters for others. Unsolicited ones, too. And for you as a Taurus, that’s a big no. Every Taurus is their own boss. Everyone knows that.

The truth is, life would feel very boring to Capricorns if there wasn’t a Herculean task or a hoop they had to jump through. They are incredible planners and in their resourcefulness is where they find real pleasure. I know that as a Taurus. you're horrified by this. Of course, you’d much rather sit down with a $500 bottle of wine and reminisce about your past lovers. But that’s just not the Capricorn way. They have work to do. They might, honestly, be the ones who save us all. Good luck to them trying to tell me what to do though.

Always a Sagittarius,

Alex

Dear Astro Poets,

I’m a Scorpio sun with Pisces in moon and rising. I have struggled with relationships over the past three years, always going out with people who tell me that I’m an amazing person but they’re "just not in the right place" to have a relationship with me. When I meet someone I often find myself diving in, emotionally and sexually, starting from the first date. I’m very honest with my partners and want to grow with them through life (that's a relationship after all, right?) and I tell them about my feelings quite earnestly. I tend to think about them for months, even years, after things end, with no sense of regret but a looming melancholy for having lost them. Do you have any guidance for a very lonely Scorpio who just wants an honest relationship?

Yours,
A Confused Scorpio

Dear Beautiful Scorpio,

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful question! Of course, I would assume no less from someone with your watery chart, but I appreciate nonetheless the heart-filled and earnest way you have approached writing us.

Let me start off by saying that you are a very special person. I've known a few people with your astrological make-up and they've all been extremely psychic, fair, and kind. I’ll put an emphasis here on the psychic part as a Pisces moon blending into a Scorpio sun is going to bring you some crazy kinds of intuition, and you tend to know what’s going on, in very deeps ways, in most situations you’re in. As you continue along your life journey, it’s important to remember this power that you have—to see into the past, present, and future simultaneously—as it is a gift which makes you a real asset in any relationship, let alone a romantic one.

But part of the burden of this deep empathy is that you do tend to bring out your partners' "issues" into the space of your interactions with them. When people are with you, they feel a sense that they are truly seen. Although this is a dream for many, for others it can bring out things about themselves they may not want to see for too long. I am sure you are a wonderful person to reminisce with and to bring up a whole host of past memories, both painful and joyful. But I could see some of your partners not being ready for this and needing to walk away from the intensity. As they say, it’s their loss! But truly, it really is their loss to not be ready. Personally, I believe emotional intensity is quite literally what makes the world go around.

A lot of people who don’t know astrology see Scorpios as loners. But of course if you know anything about the signs, you know that Scorpios just want exactly what you say: an "honest relationship." And they aren’t going to settle until they find it. The good news is that Scorpios always get what they want, because they're determined, hardworking, and steadfast. It’s easy to say this, but I do think that these trial relationships are just that. It’s time to move forward with a sense of the immense empathetic strengths you bring to your lovers and to find the right partner(s) who want exactly the same thing. An easy answer is to look for a Pisces or a Virgo, as these two signs (the Pisces more so) won’t be scared of seeing the truth about themselves.

Another thing to think about when you find a new person is making intense memories with them. Sometimes there’s a tendency in a relationship, especially when it’s new, to drudge up the past or plan for the future and to neglect the present. When you find your special person, concentrate on everything new. If they know what’s good for them, this connection will last for eternity. And if it’s the right person—which eventually it will be—I know you will do your best to keep them with you past eternity too! Eternal love is a good thing.

Sending you luck and love,

Dorothea

Related: The Astro Poets Predict What Your 2019 Will Look Like