We Need to Talk About Orlando Bloom’s Dog

And possibly stage an intervention.

Celebrity Sightings In Los Angeles - May 25, 2017
Starzfly/Bauer-Griffin/Getty Images

As his infamous nude paddleboarding incident made quite clear in 2016, Orlando Bloom prefers to go through life unencumbered. And, as his Instagram has repeatedly made just as clear, he also prefers to go through life in the company of his beloved dog Mighty. Alas, those two lifestyle goals are somewhat at odds, which hasn’t always led to the best outcome for the pup, who once again fell victim to Bloom’s minimalist approach to life when the 42-year-old actor brought him along to lunch in Los Angeles on Tuesday, which he traveled to via motorcycle.

Unfortunately, Bloom did not have a sidecar, or even a dog carrier, on hand. What he did have, though, was a drawstring bag. Thanks to the paparazzi, you can see exactly how badly that went for poor Mighty. One snapshot of the dog’s head, disembodied above what looks to be a rather insecurely fastened bag, is particularly haunting.

Could Bloom, soon-to-be husband of Katy Perry, really be capable of such negligence? After all, it appears that the incident was not isolated, but instead apparently a very long, very uncomfortable afternoon for the pup. As the Daily Mail took care to note, “Although Mighty was not visible in the bag while Orlando was driving his bike, it appears possible that is how he transported his pet to the eatery.”

And indeed it does! Let’s take a closer look, shall we? Here is Bloom on the afternoon in question, around the same time that he was seen toting around Mighty’s disembodied head.

Orlando Bloom wearing a lumpy drawstring bag, apparently containing his dog Mighty, while on his motorcycle in Los Angeles in March 2019.

Bauer-Griffin/Getty Images

A closer look:

Orlando Bloom’s lumpy drawstring bag, apparently containing his dog Mighty, seen in Los Angeles in March 2019.

Getty Images

Hmm. His bag does look suspiciously lumpy, though that could be a trick of the light. Here’s an alternative view, courtesy of the paps on the scene:

Orlando Bloom wearing a lumpy drawstring bag, apparently containing his dog Mighty, while on his motorcycle in Los Angeles in March 2019.

Bauer-Griffin/Getty Images

Hang on, is that… a face?!

Orlando Bloom’s lumpy drawstring bag, apparently containing his dog Mighty, seen in Los Angeles in March 2019.

Getty Images

We sure hope for Mighty’s sake that it’s not. Unfortunately, though, the (it must be said, circumstantial) evidence only gets more damning from there, starting with the Mail‘s otherwise entirely unremarkable video of Bloom taking off on his bike. About a minute in, Bloom’s bag appears to twitch, and even he can’t help but notice it: Even though he’s in the process of zooming away, Bloom can still be seen looking back over his shoulder.

Has Bloom simply been putting off getting a dog carrier? Does he even see the need for one? Maybe not, since he’s not shy about his drawstring method, which he proudly showed off on Instagram in November 2017.

Oddly enough, though, Bloom did at one point own a (slightly) more humane dog carrier. Has he simply misplaced it since he used it as recently as last May?

There’s no question that Bloom loves Mighty; just one scroll through his Instagram proves as much. Bloom frequently shares loving photos of his dog with his 2.4 million followers, plus occasional photos of other dogs. (He once summed up his feelings about the animal as thus: “#i’venevernotloveddogs.”) And, in general, it seems like Mighty has quite the nice life: He’s appeared on the cover of GQ and is wont to hang out with Leonardo DiCaprio, Cara Delevingne, and his adopted identical twin sister, Katy Perry’s dog Nugget.

But love, as we all know, can cloud your judgment. Why else would he (or Perry, for that matter) think that Mighty would want to wear a denim jacket or a mock coconut bra?

The silver lining is that once Bloom and Perry are married, and officially make Nugget and Mighty family, at least the latter won’t have to suffer alone.

Related: Orlando Bloom on Naked Paddleboarding: “I Had a Moment of Feeling Free”

Roll Over, Choupette: In Fashion, Every Day is Now National Dog Day

Besides Tom Brady, Gisele has a variety of other loves in her life: the pit bull mix Lua, the rescue dog Fluffy, and the beagle Scooby, whom she even sometimes arranges playdates for.

Courtesy of @gisele

There’s no ignoring the somehow still ongoing saga of Lena Dunham’s former dog Lamby, but now that the mutt has reportedly found quite a comfortable new home, we can properly admire the two much younger pups, toy poodles Susan and Karen, that Dunham has lately been keeping company with. (Along with the collie Penny Parker Simmons-Dunham that her mom, the artist Laurie Simmons, has also recently welcomed to the family.)

Courtesy of @lenadunham

Once upon a time, it was Marc Jacobs who would occasionally deign to post his dog Neville on his account; now that the bull terrier has a book and more than 200,000 followers to himself, though, it’s the designer who’s lucky to make a cameo on @nevillejacobs.

Courtesy of @nevillejacobs

Bear River and Leonardo Moon, the Australian Labradoodles owned by the photographer couple Inez and Vinoodh, have not only made a name for themselves with their legendary pet names, but by modeling with Gisele in their spare time.

Courtesy of @inezandvinoodh

Once simply the proud owner French bulldog Asia, and then the French bulldog Koji, Lady Gaga also recently welcomed a new pup to the so-called “Joanne family.”

Courtesy of @ladygaga

The model Miranda Kerr always seems to have dogs on her account—and not just because she just married Snapchat’s CEO and is never one to shy from the puppy filter.

Courtesy of @mirandakerr

Even before she had her daughter Luna, Chrissy Teigen had quite the family with John Legend, including Puddy, Pippa, and Penny, the latter of which is a three-legged rescue. Luckily, it looks like the fam’s all getting along swimmingly.

Courtesy of @chrissyteigen

Paris Hilton ultimately wants to have 20 dogs, but at the moment she owns five—Harajuku Bitch, Diamond Baby, Princess Paris Jr., Prince, and Prince Baby Bear—who reside in a two-story replica of her own mansion, and who have not only have their own Twitter account, but an action-packed Instagram with more than 100,000 followers.

Courtesy of @hiltonpets

Forget Thom Browne: Ever since the designer turned his pet Hector into a handbag, the dog’s become a personality strong enough to stand on his own—or in the hands of the critic Cathy Horyn. He even has his own Instagram account.

Courtesy of @hectorbrowne

Miley Cyrus may have recently entered a new phase of her life, but there’s one aspect of her old one she’s definitely not giving up: her dogs.

Courtesy of @MileyCyrus

Edward Enninful may have recently received an OBE, but that hasn’t stopped him from continuing to tote his Boston terrier Ru along on the red carpet, or stay up to date with the pup’s own Instagram.

Courtesy of @edward_enninful

She may occasionally refer to him as the “Hound of Hell” on Instagram, but the model and activist Adwoa Aboah clearly cherishes Blue—they’ve even been to Tulum together.

Courtesy of @adwoaaboah

In between grams of supermodels decked out in his designs, designer Isaac Mizrahi also takes care to share snapshots of his dog Dean—a star in his own right, at least to Mizrahi, who considers him to be Ben Affleck’s doppelgänger. “Dean is a dog of a certain age and I think Mr. Affleck is a certain age and I think they are weighing in beautifully,” Mizrahi remarked this summer, standing by the newfound bachelor.

Courtesy of @isaacmizrahiny

Last summer, the designer (and Lady Gaga stylist) Brandon Maxwell celebrated becoming a finalist for the LVMH prize, winning the Swarovski Prize for womenswear at the CFDA Awards, and officially counting Michelle Obama among his many celebrity fans; this summer, he celebrated the fifth birthday of his beloved pup Stella, who even made it into his Christmas photo.

Courtesy of @brandonmaxwell

As the designer Joseph Altuzarra gears up to show in Paris rather than New York this season, he’s also of course been hanging with Bean, his miniature schnauzer that he’s been known to take all the way to Staten Island for her haircuts.

Courtesy of @josephaltuzarra

Designer Rachel Antonoff is not afraid to declare her pup Lafitte, whom she found at a kill shelter in Los Angeles, as dear of a family member to her as her brother, the mega-producer Jack Antonoff. (Thanks to her involvement with the no-kill shelter Social Tees, there’s usually a good variety of other pups featured in between the fashion on her account, too.)

Courtesy of @rachelantonoff